Dear No One (Wattys2017) (UNDER CONSTRUCTION)

Dear No One, I'm Not Okay

I woke up Friday morning to a text from Callum.

We hadn't spoke aloud to each other since Tuesday night. We had been running all week, but made sure to steer clear of each other at school and any time during the day unless I decided to show up to one of his self defense classes.

I knew the second anyone at school saw us together, rumors would spread like wildfire. I'd be the center of attention; and I'd have to hear the snide comments, remarks, and whispers all over again. Feel the eyes follow me, afraid to approach and confirm the rumors to see if they were true.

I laid in bed for a few minutes before my alarm went off, trying to figure out a clever way to respond to the text. Nothing came to me.

He had asked if I wanted to join his family on a camping trip, and some part of me had wanted to answer right away.

I hadn't been camping since Tommy took me when I was eleven. It was one of my favorite memories of us together. I had loved being one with nature and sleeping under the secure blanket of stars. I had wanted to go back for years, but multiple things had held me back. Now that the opportunity to feel close to my brother again was right in front of me, I couldn't bring myself to answer.

"Kasey, sweetie. You okay?" Dad poked his head into my room, a frown taking the place of his usual early morning smile. He was possibly the only person on this planet that was optimistic at six in the morning.

"Yeah." I shut my phone off and rolled over so I was facing him.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" he started to move into my room, pushing the door open so he could stand in the frame.

"Can I ask you a question?" I whispered. He straightened out, bracing himself for what was to come.

"Of course, honey."

"Do you still blame him?" I knew I didn't have to specify what I was talking about; his entire face fell as a sigh escaped him.

"Honestly? Yes." Dad pushed my legs toward the middle of the bed so he could sit, "It's one thing for him to feel the way he did, and I hate myself for not seeing it or being able to stop it. But it's a whole other story when he almost kills my little girl too." he stared down at me with a sad look. I bit my lip to stop it from trembling.

"He didn't want to hurt me, Daddy." I shook my head, "He was scared."

"Scared of what, Kasey? Because I can guarantee you he wasn't anywhere near as scared as I was when I got that call. I thought I had lost you both." I could hear the bitterness at the end of every word that left his mouth.

"He was scared of what everyone would think of him." I reached up and rubbed my cheek, "Dad, he thought he was sick. He-"

"What do you mean? How was he sick, Kase?" Dad's eyes had widened.

"He thought he was sick because he was gay, Daddy." I could finally feel tears starting to sting the back of my eyes, "But he wasn't sick and he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't understand that I would still love him no matter what." Dad took me in his arms and kissed the top of my head as I clenched his shirt in my hand

"He thought he was some sort of monster. He never told anyone because he was afraid they would think he was a monster too." I sniffled, "I wish I could have saved him, Dad. I wish I could have told him I loved him one last time. Maybe it would have made a difference."

My dad shook his head, rubbing small circles on my back as he whispered reassuring words in my ear.

"There are millions of What Ifs in the world, Kasey. Sometimes we get to test them out, most of the time they're exactly that; What Ifs. You can't base your life on what could have been," Dad paused and took my face in his hands, "You have to live in the now and try your best to tell the people you love how much you love them. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. You have to live everyday like it's your last."