teardrops on my guitar // s.m

4

"Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me."

-

He stared at me for a couple seconds and I stared back at him. He looked the same as he did 2 years ago, just older.

"Hey." He said, still staring at me.

"Uh, hi." I say quietly. I didn't think that I would ever run into him.

"It's uh- it's been a long time." He said. I just nodded me head.

"I um. I have to go." I said, standing up to throw my trash away.

"Can we just talk for a little bit?" He asked me.

"I'd rather not do that right now." I said grabbing my trash and walking over to the trash can.

"Let me at least help you carry your bags to your car." He said when I returned to the table. I didn't say anything, I just nodded my head and picked up some bags, allowing him to pick up some too.

The whole walk to my car was silent. But the silence was comforting. It was nice to be in his presence again, but it's been too long.

"Wow, nice car." He smiled. When we were younger he always wanted a BMW.

"Thanks. You inspired me to get it." I smiled. I unlocked the trunk and opened it.

"Is this a convertible?" He asked with a smile.

"Yeah." I said, loading the bags in the trunk. He put the rest of the bags in there after me.

"Well it was nice seeing you Shawn." I said walking to the driver side door.

"Yeah, you too." He said and I opened my door.

"Oh I forgot something." He said and he walked over to me. He pulled me into a hug. He was so warm, and I felt like I was back in 10th grade with him. I felt tears spring to my eyes and a lump in my throat.

"See you around." I said weak and quietly. He didn't say anything. He just stared at me.

"Can I give you my number?"

"Yeah." I said quietly. I handed him my phone and he handed me his. I put my number in his phone and he put his in mine.

"Goodbye." He said and started walking away.

I got in my car, and closed the door behind me. I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I hit my steering wheel out of frustration and accidentally hit the horn, which made me laugh.

I put on my seatbelt and started my usual playlist of Taylor Swift songs. He was right, I still am obsessed with her.

- 

It was around 8:45 and my phone started to ring in the other room. I looked at the caller ID and it was Shawn. I hesitated, but eventually picked it up.

"Hello." I said when I answered the phone.

"Hey Sarah." He said.

"Hey." I said. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him.

"Can we talk now?" He asked me. I sighed.

"Id rather talk to you in person."

"Then could I come over? Sarah I miss you a lot." He said. I stayed silent for a moment.

"Okay. I'll text you my address. See you when you get here." I said to him and then we said goodbye.

30 minutes later there was a knock on the door. I looked through the peephole just to make sure it's not some killer. It wasn't, so I opened up the door.

"This is so nice." He said in awe.

"Thank you." I said smiling.

"Sarah you did good." He said and I laughed.

We walked into the living room and we sat on the couch. We left some space between us.

"Let me start out by saying I am so sorry that I haven't contacted you in so long. I just got caught up in everything." He said. He looked very sincere.

"If I'm honest, these past two years have been hell for me, but that's not the reason why." I said looking down at the floor. "Yeah it definitely contributed to my sadness, but things have.. happened." I said, pausing after have.

"What kind of things?" Shawn asked. He seemed very concerned.

I felt tears fill up my eyes. A lump grew in my throat. I don't know if I should even tell him. What difference would it make.

"Sarah you can tell me anything. I know I haven't been the most reliable person, but I'm still that same kid from Toronto two years ago." He said and I nodded. A year fell down my check.

"A year ago," I started. I could barely speak. "My mom and dad," I paused. "They got into a really bad accident." I said. The tears were flying out of my eyes and down my face at this point. I looked at Shawn and he also had tears in his eyes. "My dad died on impact and my mom," I paused. "She was in critical condition for a day. Until she died a couple hours later." I said, crying hysterically now.

"Oh my god Sarah I am so sorry." He said. A tear escaped his eyes.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye." I said very quietly. He put his hand on top of mine.

"I was still seventeen when they died, so I had to go live with my aunt carol and uncle Derek." I said. I stopped. I haven't talked about this since it happened. "I never like my uncle Derek, he always gave me a weird vibe. One day I came home from school and went to my room. He," I paused. More tears were falling. "He came in and told me to take off my clothes. I told him no but he screamed at me and hit me. He ripped my clothes off himself." I said. I looked over at Shawn and he was crying hard. "He raped me. He made me feel like the lowest human on this earth." I cried. "And he did it again and again. Finally when I turned eighteen I moved into my grand mom's house. He took whatever dignity I had and ripped it away from me. He took my virginity from me, and that's something I can never get back." I said.

I put my head in my hands and let the tears fall. I've never talked out loud about this.

"About a month after I turned eighteen I found some pills in the medicine cabinet. I don't know how many I poured into my hand, but it was a lot. I swallowed them all. I wanted to die so bad that I would've done anything to not be on this earth anymore. I had nothing to live for," I paused. "My grandmother came home early that day and called the paramedics. If she hadn't come home early I wouldn't be here right now. And everyday I thank god that I'm still alive. But everyday I wonder if God is actually real. Because when I was under the same roof as my uncle Derek, I prayed everyday for it to stop. I prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing happened. God ignored my prayers. I was getting raped and I just wanted it to stop." I said. The last sentence came out as a mumble. Shawn pulled me into a tight hug and we cried together.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, another tear escaping.

"I tried. But your phone number was out of service." I whispered. "I needed you and you weren't there." I said and he started to cry again. He must feel guilty right about now.

He pulled me into another hug and we just stayed there for a while. It felt good to talk about what had happened. I definitely don't feel whole again, but I'm getting there.