ALMOST A BRIDE (Open On Annie)

26

The next day I didn’t wake with as much enthusiasm as I’d had the night before. I guess these things work in waves. I wasn’t going to feel better overnight, this would be a process, and it was just beginning. In fact, that morning it felt almost impossible to get out of bed and drag myself to work. I missed Chris like I’d never missed Trev and it physically hurt not being with him. But I got up and showered- and cried in it - and then made myself some breakfast and got ready for work. I tried to lift my spirits by reminding myself about the 10 bags that I needed to make, and decided to talk to the Patel’s about them that day.

They were thrilled to see me and wanted to know everything about my holiday. So I told them about swimming with the tropical fish (Not about how Chris had taken a photo of my bum and pretended it was a mistake), I told them about seeing dolphins (not about the dolphin squeak –off Chris and I had had) and I told them about how beautiful the beaches looked at night (not about the walk we’d taken on our first night together and how I’d flirted with him) They then lavished me with a big Tupperware of left over curry and I also received two invites to two different cousins weddings. (Like I said, an endless stream of cousins.)

They were also thrilled about the bags and said that I could use- within reason- fabrics and other stuff I needed.  But that first day back at work was hard, the hours seemed to drag on and on and on and getting through them felt like pulling teeth from a dead sloth. But five o clock finally came around and I left with a small bundle of fabrics, buttons, ribbons and other bits and bobs that I’d been allowed to commandeer. And although funds were still desperately tight and I still needed to count Cents, I decided I needed to find something more substantial and healthy to eat, other than packets of nutrient deficient noodles. The equivalent of chewing on cardboard covered in MSG and dust.

So even though I didn’t feel like it, I dragged myself to the shop and walked out with a bag of veggies and whole-wheat bread. I would make a big pot of vegetable soap- it’s all I could afford- and eat that for several dinners to come. At least I would be getting some Vitamins and minerals, who knows, maybe they would contribute to my mental wellbeing, and perhaps help with the few kg’s I could feel in my slightly tight jeans.

That night after eating my home made veggie soap, it was actually pretty tasty; I sat down at my sewing machine and started thinking. The other bags I’d made  in the heat of hatred for Sonja (evil boss bitch from hell) I had purposefully made them as over- the- top as possible in a rebellious proclamation of passive aggressive defiance, this time I was going to make them in a more considered manner. I knew I could make them better with a little extra thought, care and planning. They would still maintain that frantic colorful feel, but  I could bring a little more skill to them. So I started.

It took me four weeks to finish the ten bags, but when they were done they looked amazing.

I was so excited when I dropped them off at the shop at O.R Tambo, although I kept trying to remind myself that I shouldn’t jump the gun just yet, ten bags was not a fashion empire. And they would probably take a long time to sell, but at least it was something.

In those weeks back I also found myself a therapist. I had to borrow some money from my sister again- of course she didn’t mind- but I thought it was definitely time to talk to someone and start working through some of my issues. It proved to be a great idea, and with each session I felt a little lighter and more self assured than I had in a whole year.

I also started picking up the phone and reconnecting with friends that I hadn’t seen in a while. They were all happy to hear from me, and I realized how much I’d missed just hanging out and talking shit. Through therapy I also come to realize that this past year I’d actually been depressed. Not sad, not a little grumpy or down, but properly depressed. And she was right, I had been. Only I hadn’t really seen it at the time.