My Fighter | Book II ✔️

[My Fighter 19]

My Fighter [19]

Just  when I thought everything was going good, suddenly it wasn't anymore. 

I don't know what happened. I don't know why this is happening to us. 

He died. His heart stopped beating. He was legally dead for five seconds. 

I've never heard more terrifying words. They were taking him in for surgery one minute and the next I'm hearing he died. He's stable, they said trying to calm me down, but unfortunately he's got a very low immune system right now and we need to limit his contact with outside germs. 

I can't even hold my baby. 

Addi on the other hand seemed to be doing better each day. They put him on some long named medicine to help him breathe and he's been doing good. A lot better than his brother. 

"Come on Ellie, let's see if you can walk." Colt takes my arm and swings it over his shoulder. I let my feet hang down off the bed. Slowly I let them touch the ground. It's my first attempt to try walking. I'm stiff and it's uncomfortable where my stitches are but Colt keeps his arm around me and helps me walk to the bathroom. "You did it! I'm proud of you." 

I smile through the tears gathering in my eyes, "It's not like I'm two and learning to walk for the first time." 

"Just be lucky I let you walk. If it was up to me I'd keep you in the wheelchair. I hate seeing you in pain." 

"It's not too bad." 

I don't tell him that I probably deserve it. I deserve every ounce of pain they can throw my way. My baby is hurting right now. My baby is fighting for his life. I shouldn't be recovering while he's still fighting to even breathe on his own. I can't even bring myself to hold Addi anymore, not without his brother too. 

I failed them. I had one job to do, hold them for nine months, and I couldn't even do that. How could I possibly give Colton four kids in four years? How could I bring myself to get pregnant two more times when the thought that something like this could happen again? I almost lost one baby last night, I don't need to lose anymore even if they are theoretical. 

I've found myself crying myself to sleep each night. Hoping and praying that Brooklyn makes it out with his life. 

It seems like no one is listening to me up there. 

A nurse wheels in Addi. He's crying and yet I make no move to comfort him, no move to pick him up. I just stare at his face. They're both bald, tiny, and have my eyes. "Would you like to feed him today Mrs. Davis?" 

I want to say it took some debate. I want to say that I actually thought about it. But my head is immediately shaking back and forth and the nurse sighs. Colton comes in at that moment, his eyes working his way from me to the baby with a scowl on his face. Addi continues to cry and in turn I start to cry. 

Instead of trying to talk me into it, the nurse simply wheels Addi back out. I cry even harder. 

"I can't believe you." I can hear the anger in Colton's words. "Who are you and where has my wife gone? The woman I married wouldn't have let her own baby be wheeled away and fed by someone else. The woman I love would have gotten over herself and fed her baby. You are a mother now Ellie and that baby you just sent away is your son. I can't believe you." 

His voice grows louder with each word. 

He's right to be angry. He's right to yell at me. "I'm sorry." 

"Sorry isn't good enough right now Ellie. I know you're hurting but so am I. You think it doesn't hurt me to know that we could be moments away from losing our son and we can't even hold him. I realize you're wallowing in self pity right now, but you need to get over yourself."