Birthday Wish

B.W. Ch 11

Ch 11

"...and I've kept it all inside and I'm done with it," I finally finished. The whole time, I couldn't look into his eyes, afraid of anger or disgust. I was ready to take whatever consequence I had coming to me.

Tom stared at me for awhile, while I sat there, numb, and staring at nothing. We sat there for awhile in complete silence, until Tom embraced me into a gentle hug. I stiffened in his arms, not knowing that I would have this reaction. He retracted when he knew I wasn't going to return the gesture.

When he pulled back, I looked at him incredulously.

"Why are you hugging me?!" I asked in a harsh whisper. I cringed inside when I replied, not meaning sound so harsh, but I couldn't help it. But, Tom took my hand in his and took a deep breath. Before he could say anything, I interrupted him.

"Why are you not running away? Why aren't you breaking up with me? How aren't you disgusted that I've wallowed in my self pity?! Can't you see that I'm a disgusting, selfish, idiotic, monster?! Can't you see that I'm no good for you and that you should leave me to die?!" I practically yelled. He looked at me with a somber expression, and I could feel his gaze on me. I didn't know what happened, all I could register in my brain was that I told Tom everything...some things that even my friends didn't even know. I didn't really know what was coming, but I knew that I didn't want pity. The last thing I want Tom to feel as if he has to do some sort of job to pity me.

"Can you show me your wrists...?" He asked softly. I gave a slight nod and robotically lifted up my sleeves to show him. I closed my eyes to keep from crying again.

"Don't...please...I don't need your pity. I don't want to hear you say I'm sorry. Just...say anything but that..." I said in a strained voice. I could feel him nod and take my hands in his. I felt him squeeze my hands in reassurance, but I didn't return it. I was weak and didn't have the energy or the confidence.

"I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say that you're strong. You're beautiful and don't let people tell you you're not." Even though it was the most cliché thing ever, it meant a lot when it came from Tom. "You're so amazing Lea. You're past...from what you told me...it was a lot. You had told me that you did have a very good life. Mom, dad, and siblings. But no one has a perfect life. You've just had a lot of drama when you were younger, until now. Not family wise, but school and personal wise. You're brave. You're...everything I can think of. I mean, look at you now. I would have never guessed that the most beautiful girl I've ever met, that plays the violin like a prodigy, is a fantastic writer, a photographer, and that has a smile of an angel, was this broken. If you can't explain how you feel...you just...can't. You've had friends, you've lost them. You've made mistakes. You've let go of some, but not others. Some of it is very painful, and that's okay. The people who made you drive you to do this...I just...can't explain how angry I am about that. How disgusted I am that people would do that to you to make you do this and to feel this way. I just...I love you and I care about you. I don't want you to feel the urge to do ANYTHING again for a VERY, long time, or hopefully for life. I know that you might have heard that before but, I just had to say it. I want to be there for you. I don't want you to leave. Don't ever leave. I want to find you Lea. I want to find that lost and broken girl inside and heal her," He finished speaking. I just stared at him in shock. I didn't expect this kind if reaction. I was so glad that he didn't pity me, and even though some of what he said I've either heard before, or it was really cliché, it meant the world coming from him. His last sentence really had me in shock. I've never had someone say that to me. I blinked a couple times to make sure this was real, before I started speaking. I snapped out of my shock and I gave him a soft, small smile.

"Can I.....say something?" I asked hesitantly.

"Of course," He smiled softly.

"I can't promise you anything. Like what I told you about fifth grade...I can't keep promises. But what I will promise is that I won't leave you. I'm just afraid you'll realize that I'm not good for you and leave me..."