What I Couldn't Tell Him

42 - Ersatz Happiness

ALDEN WOLFF

I hear her before I saw her.

"What the f*ck are you doing? Get your *ss in there and save her godd*mn life! How are these lists helping, huh?" Jenni demands, shoving through clumps of concerned doctors, nurses and trainees. Lucy is hot on her heels, arms folded, eyes flaring.

She spots me, and while Lucy rolls her eyes, her face softens as she walks over, batting away an angry receptionist.

"Oh god, I am so sorry." I don't want her sympathy, but it feels nice all the same.

"She isn't even going to hear me apologise." I mutter. I don't know why I am admitting this to her. The cold is seeping through from the tiles I am sat on. She slides down the wall next to me.

"And you wont hear her tell you that she forgave you." She shoots me a small smile, "But she would have done."

Then she stands up and walks past another mob of people telling her to leave, and straight into Jaimie's room, though it seems more like a cell.

JENNI

Inside her room is so wrong for her. It is clinical and boring and smells like disinfectant. I will not cry. I don't need to cry, I need to talk to her. I hiss through my teeth when an angry fist bangs on the door. I pivot on my heel and turn the lock.

I walk back over, slowly. It doesn't matter if she can't hear me, I can see her and that is enough.

"Hey."

I watch her for a moment, daydreaming that she sat up suddenly, that her pale face filled with colour. 

"Well, you were one for dramatic entrances. I suppose this is quite a dramatic exit." I smile to myself, remembering her walking down the stairs on the night of the dance, and the glimmer in Alden's eyes.

"That reminds me, your boyfriend is outside on his *ss, feeling sorry for himself. If you aren't going to..." I pause, choking on the words, "Get up, you might just ruin his life. He is a bit of a mess if I'm honest."

I watch her again, missing the laugh that would have burst from her lips at that.

"And if you are, be ready for him to be a blubbering wreck, and probably propose to you."

Again, I can hear the laugh in my head, imagine her shoving my shoulder.

"I am so jealous. You are in a f*cking coma and your  hair still looks nicer than mine. Will you wake up just so I can ask what shampoo you use?"

"I will be back tomorrow. I  erm.." I remember suddenly  what she promised, "I am talkng to a.. lawyer about my mum. I.. wish you could help. Bye." I stand up  and walk away, wiping the traitorous tears on my sleeve. Alden is stood by the door, leaning and tapping his foot. I give him a small smile, and Lucy gives me a glance before walking past me and him, straight into her room.

JAIMIE PERRON

I knew it was her when she perched on the end of my bed, making the springs creak with her roughness. It had to be Lucy. Then the sweet, musty perfume. 

"So, I am here to tell you that, whether you can hear me or not, you have to get your *ss up. Everyone else probably told you how much they loved you, and that it doesnt matter what happens. Bullsh*t. Firstly, Alden is outisde, trying to work up the courage to come back in because he won't leave you for anything, but he blames himself and feels bad. Jenni needs your help because I don't know how to support her and you can. Her parents  arent there,  I don't know what she needs to hear...."