underage » l.s

xviii.

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eighteen

what do you do when you feel your heart being ripped apart from your chest? how about when you can see it hit the floor, all bloody and still pumping, and someone stomps on it? what do you do?

what do you do when the supposed love of your life is standing infront of you after a year? how about when he has that glint of sadness and when you see his eyes adjust at the scene of you? what do you do?

in louis' case, he did nothing.

he stood with his eyes open and mouth dry, heart picking up it's pace as he saw harry's figure infront of him.

"hey, lou." he finally breathed out, surprise etched all over his face. what did he detect on that tone? was it fond? or just surprise of seeing someone who broke his heart?

he didn't know.

"IT'S HARRY!" a sudden voice came from behind, several cheers and harry was pulled in to the living room. louis sighed in relief.

__

it was cold.

louis stepped out and into the wilderness outside the cabin, a light amount of snow falling from the sky. it was beautiful what mother nature could do. she could bring sandstorms and tornados, thunder and lighting, natural catastrophes no one could stop. but she could also bring joy with every bit of the afternoon sun, the bright stars winking at everyone, and the fresh smell after rain.

louis wished she could take away harry. but not really. he wished she could take away the pain he endured after seeing his face.

he sat on the cold wood a few steps into the forest; the sound of cold wind passing the trees and his laboured breathing was the only thing he could hear.

it was beautiful. he felt the flecks of snow resting on his face, the coldness of it. he wanted to stay like that forever. alone is good. he liked being alone.

but alas, you shall never truly be alone. the sound of footsteps came and louis sighed again.

"it's beautiful out here."

oh. not who he was expecting. he opened his eyes and met harry's.

"yeah." he agreed, not saying anything else. there was an undenaible tension between the two and both of them felt it, but didn't say a word. then, louis saw the older one sit down with his hands shoved inside his jacket.

"you've changed." harry commented after a pregnant silence. louis looked up through his snow covered lashes.

"is that a bad thing?" he questioned.

"you tell me." he replied back with a tone louis couldn't pin point.

"can i tell you something? i-it doesn't require an answer, it's just something i've wanted to tell you e-ever since... last year." harry was visibly shaking now, his mouth chattering. louis doesn't know if the snow was responsible for it or something else. he slowly nodded his head, a sudden warmth spreading over his chest and taking over the cold. he wishes harry could feel it.

"i-i just.. shit, um—" harry started, chuckling nervously and playing with his fingers, a habit he was fondlyfamiliar with and knowing that, he let out a little, unnoticable smile take over his mouth.  "—i just hope you find someone you love— the way you love the rain, and pretty skies, and books, and everything else that makes you smile.

i hope you get to love like how the sun loves the moon that every night, it dies to let it breathe for a moment. like warm sunshine over the earth soil and the harsh, captive rain that helps plants, that you love, grow.

i hope one day you get to love like that. because you know what, louis? you deserve it." he let out a huge sigh, gave him a tight smile with glass eyes and walked away.

"right." that's all louis could utter out. his vision blurred, and lips trembled like fear but that was the thing, he wasn't fearful of anything. (other than falling back in love with someone he shouldn't have in the first place). his throat felt dry and rough and his cheeks were warm from the hot tears that were spilling from his eyes like a waterfall.

he felt his chest tighten more, heart hammering and hands sweaty and shaking, and he cried. he cried all the tears he had bottled up inside of him; he cried for himself, he cried for harry, he cried for his mum, he cried for his friends, his family, dying children— he cried for anyone and everyone and he cried and cried and cried.

he cried like never before.

and harry was right. louis had changed. inside and out. he had stopped wearing makeup, skirts and heels and doing his hair. he had stopped spending money over skincare products and he had stopped caring about guys who would throw themselves at him.

i guess you could say he lost himself the day he lost harry.