Phantom Pain (trilogy)

Where the Heart is

Chapter 20: Where the Heart is

The first thing I noticed was that we were in some sort of study

The second was how Penemue was pacing.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I've been trying to gauge it...” he paused. “Trying to put it off, but I need to know. Exactly how much do you remember?”

He was working his way towards something. I could feel it.

“A lot more than when I first dug my way out of my grave,” I answered. “I recognized you, didn't I? I remember our home, and how it worked.”

Penemue's pacing took him back and forth between a bookshelf and a writing desk. “That's not what I mean. Ramiel, exactly how much do you remember about what lead to your fall?”

A chill ran up my spine, and I instinctively reached for the sword. Oh God, why did my head hurt? I thought I'd gotten over this, when the sword was at my side.

“It's more general knowledge.” I looked at my feet. “Not specific events.”

“That...” Penemue leaned his head against the wall, wings blocking him from view. “Could be a problem.”

Again I tried to dig into my subconscious. The problem was, I didn't know where to start. When I went to that place, with the burning, excruciating pain, I could not move backwards. It was like that was all there had ever been. But maybe Penemue could give me a place from which to work forward.

“Why?” I asked. “What was I doing?”

“That's the problem. I'm not sure.”

I rubbed the hilt of the sword, waiting for him to elaborate.

“It was right before everything,” he began what I sensed was going to be a long story. “You were the first piece. You were the first thing that hinted at what was coming. You contacted me through dream. I was surprised. It's so inefficient, imprecise. And brother... you were scared.” He looked at me, waiting for some sort of reaction. “I have known you a very, very long time, and you do not get scared.”

I wanted to laugh. He hadn't seen me these last few weeks. Cemetery after cemetery, all I'd been was scared. Before the memories, fear was all I'd ever known.

“You didn't tell me of what.” I could see how worried he was, and I cursed my mind for losing this, of all things. “You said you were coming back to heaven. I was happy. They were the best times, when you would come to visit me.” He swallowed. “You said you needed to talk to me, and Cassiel. I found that strange. You and he never really spoke. He was an arch and you respected him but... you saw him as an outcast, just like all the others.”

With his words, so many memories came back: happy memories. Not the ones I was looking for.