What Would R+ say...while critiquing their new stage show?
(Scene: The Rammies are gathered around a wide-screen TV, passing round the usual bottle of Jager. The coffee table is laden with food. Richard has the remote in one hand, an American Spirit in the other.)
Paul (*Sip*): So, what are we doing, again-?
Olli: -Jerking off, pretty much. (*Sip*)
(Doom makes wanking motion. *Sip*)
Till: I would have put it more elequently, Oliver, but we will be observing moments from our last few shows in order to see what could be improved upon.
Flake: Not to brag, Till, but we're already one of the most successful tours this year-
Richard: -Not counting Lady Gaga. (*Sip*)
(Doom makes wanking motion.)
Flake: -Right. But what more can we possibly do? (*Sip*)
Till: Always room for improvement, Flocka. (*Sip* Paul offers Till a piece of pie. Till looks at it longingly, then shakes his head, patting his middle.
Richard turns on the video. 'Rammlied' begins.)
Paul: Meine Damen und Herren, the cockatoo/lunch lady/floor lamp who walks like a man, Till Lindemann!
Richard: -I thought we agreed, no Mystery Science Theater, Paulchen-?
Paul:...Sorry.
('Links' begins. Olli passes a bag of chips to Flake, who passes them to Doom.)
Flake: You're a little flat here, Richard...
Richard (Under his breath): Says the pot to the kettle...
Flake: Excuse me-?
Richard: Nothing, nothing...
Till (Suddenly noticing something, leans forward): Heeey...
Doom: What-?
Till: Oh, nothing-I just-well-I look pretty good, nicht wahr?
(Doom passes the chips to Paul, who passes them to Till. Till takes a large handful and stuffs them into his mouth, eyes glued on the TV.) I mean, I never noticed just how much weight I really lost...(*Munch, munch*).
Richard (Making note of his own slight muffin top in the video): *Ahem*...ja, well...we're supposed to be looking for how we can improve on the show, Adonis-?
Till (*Munch*): Oh, ah, right... (*Sip* 'Ich Tu Dir Weh' comes on. The video Flake kicks Till.)
Olli: Ow! Good one, Flocka!
Doom: Ja, I really thought he was out for a minute there.
(Flake smiles smugly.)
Till (Snorting and intercepting a plate of cold cuts Richard passes to Paul. Under his breath): ...Didn't even feel it...
(Video Till pours sparks on Flake.)
Paul: I do have to hand it to you, Tillchen, that is a spectacular effect.
Till (Through a full mouth): Ffank oo, Paulfhen...
Flake: Yeah, but I kind of miss Buck Dich...
(Other Rammies turn to look at Flake.)
Flake: What-?
Rammies: Nothing...
(*Sip* Fruhling In Paris starts. Paul and Doom hold hands and sway in time to the music. Flake flicks on his lighter and holds it aloft.)
Till (Still admiring his physique.): Ja, the swimming really paid off, wouldn't you say? (Reaches over Paul to grab a bratwurst from the plate Doom is holding.)
Richard (Rolls his eyes, turns back to the TV and a closeup of himself and his Playmobil hair.): Ah, now that's more like it!
Paul (Looking at his watch): Hey! Twenty minutes, and no Richard's Hair jokes! Who wants to go first?
Olli: Oo! Me! Richard's hair is so shiny, Catholic schoolboys pay him to lie down under Catholic schoolgirls' dresses!
(Doom spits out a mouthful of Jager laughing.)
Flake: -I don't get it-?
Paul: Well, Catholic schoolgirls can't wear patent leather shoes, because-
Till (Licking the icing off his 4th cupcake): I got one- um, no wait, not quite...but it has to do with how much hair product Richard uses and the Deepwater Horizon oil spill...give me a minute...(He grabs a whole chicken off the table.)
(The Rammies laugh anyway. Richard sits and glares.)
Doom: I know! Richard's hair is so hard-
Richard: All right! We get it! (Clicks remote to Quebec City concert.) There! The spikes are back! Everybody happy now?
Doom (Whispers): - So hard the German army used it for a new helmet prototype.
(Rammies giggle. Richard glares. Sonne starts on the video.)
Till (Between bites of pizza): Look at that! It's perfectly flat!
Flake: No, Richard was sharp in this one-
Till: No, no-me! My stomach! Look at that!
Paul (Whisper): Ja, right, if he sucked in his gut any more, we'd be able to see his spinal column.
Till What-?
Paul: I said, the cannelonis are delicious-here, Till, have one. (Offers plate.)
Till: Oh-danke, Paul. (Grabs three.)
Olli: So, Till, what do you think we can improve upon?
Till (In a sugar and carb-induced stupor): Mmmm...what-? Oh, I don't know...everything's juuust fiiine...zzzz...
(He flops backwards into the couch, beer in one hand and donuts in the other.)
Richard (Clicking off the video): So what Till is trying to say is, everything is perfect, don't change a thing. Right, Tillchen?
Till: *Snork* Zzzzzz...
(Flake dials a number on his cell phone.)
Paul: Who are you calling, Flocka-?
Flake: The wardrobe mistress-to tell her to get that XXXXL version of Till's stage costume we've had on standby ready for the next show.
Till: Zzzz..*Burp* Zzzzz....
Rammies: *Sip*
YOU ARE READING
What would Rammstein say?
Fanfictionjust a random funny stuff where the writer imagined a lot of funny scenes played by our belovers All rights are for the owner "tillsdoppelganger"
