The Riveting Lives of Russell and Sal

Deleted Scene - Sal Writes

Sal spent his journey home wondering how he could ever get Russell to say "I love you too." He smiled when he remembered his philosophical peanut butter and jelly analogy, and how he could be the next Robert Frost. I'll write Russell a poem. That'll make him love me.

The first thing Sal did when he got home was drop his backpack on his bedroom floor. The second thing he did was turn on his computer. He opened a word processor and stared at the blinking cursor while Mouser watched him from the bed.

"What the hell do I write?" Sal wondered aloud.

"Meow," Mouser meowed.

"No, it needs to be romantic." Furrowing his brow, he said, "I suppose I could always start with my beautiful peanut butter analogy."

I hate jelly
Peanut butter is better for your belly
But because you love jelly
I will learn to love jelly
But only if you agree to love peanut butter
God, you're beautiful

"There," Sal said, after typing that last line. "A+ poetry!" He reread it and rested his chin on his hand. "Who am I kidding? This poem sucks."

"Meow," meowed Mouser.

Sal gave Mouser a mortified look. "No way in hell am I asking Tyler for help."

"Mew?"

"Yeah, maybe I am better at writing short stories," Sal said. After hitting the return key several times, he began typing.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful prince who collected animes and ate the pocky. One day, he met a much more beautiful, suave, sofisticated man who helped him on the path of righteuousness.
"Hi," the weeaboo greeted.
"'Sup," the better man responded.
"Can you help me not be a weeb?" the man who is obviously Russell questioned.
"I would love to," the man who is obviously Sal answered.

Sal stopped typing and stared at the blinking cursor. "I'm running out of words for said."

Mouser meowed.

"I can't use said all the time," Sal said. "It'll get boring."

"Meow."

"What do you know about writing fiction? You're a cat." Sal opened a dictionary application, and typed in "said." Smiling as though he had beaten some sort of writing system, he continued his story, checking every few minutes for a different word for said. It wasn't long before Sal found himself writing the ending.

"You have opened my eyes to the light," Obviously Russell declared.
"Yep. Anime is not real," Obviously Sal replied.
"I have learned so much," Obviously Russell admitted. "You are far superior to me and I am so lucky to have a mentor as great and noble as yourself." Obviously Russell leaned in for a kiss. "I love you."
Obviously Sal smiled. "I love you too."
And then he stuck his thingy in his you know what and they did it.
The End.

"The end," Sal said, skimming through his one-paged story. "Such a literary masterpiece."

"Meow," Mouser meowed.

"You haven't even read it," Sal said. "And I bet Russell will love it." Sal printed out his masterpiece, which still had his A+ poem written at the top, and slipped it inside his backpack. Tomorrow, he would give it to Russell as a gift.

"Hey Rusty Russell," Sal said, taking his usual seat behind Russell in English class. "I wrote you something."

Russell turned around, frowning. "What?"

Sal pulled out the paper from his backpack and handed it to Russell.

Straightening out the paper's wrinkles, and picking off a couple of food crumbs, Russell looked down at the paper, then looked up at Sal. "Comic Sans again? Really?"

Sal ignored his font snobbery. "It's a poem and a short story I wrote. It's about us!"

Russell glanced at the clock on the wall, then looked back down at the paper and read it. "Yeah, okay," he said, looking up at Sal from the paper with a smirk. "I'll try to learn to love peanut butter, if it'll make you happy."

"Yes, I know that poem doesn't live up to my full potential," Sal said, flicking his hair back, "but read my story.

Russell glanced at the clock again, and skimmed through Sal's story, pausing every now and then to stifle back a laugh. Once he got to the last line, he howled with laughter, garnering the attention of many classmates. Russell ignored all the confused stares he was getting, and looked over at Sal, who looked puzzled by Russell's reaction.

"I'm sorry," Russell said, trying to keep a straight face. "This is just... pure comedy gold." Looking back down at the paper, he asked, "Did you ever use said?"

"Not even once," Sal boasted.

"'And then he stuck his thingy in his you know what and they did it.'" Russell shook his head, smiling. "Classic."

It appears my story has pleased Russell, Sal thought. Looking around to make sure no one was listening in, he said, "I love you."

Russell glanced back up at the clock. "Class is gonna start soon."