Looking for Heaven

Chapter Fourteen

After many minutes of gazing into the night, Justin clambered back into bed and attempted to sleep again. He wasn't very successful and only had a fitful half sleep. The next morning he rose at around half seven after admitting he wouldn't get anymore sleep and splashed cold water on his face.

Looking at himself in the mirror – leaning against the sink, water dripping down his face to a droplet on his nose and chin, eyes circled with a purple hue – he remembered how he had looked in the mirror back home and hated seeing himself. He had slowly gotten over that – but now the reflection displeased him once again.

Sitting at the end of the bed he listened to the sounds of the house around him. The creaking of wood, water going through pipes, wind whistling softly around corners. It was hypnotically relaxing. He walked in a trance to his wardrobe and pushing aside hangers he found a dirty green long-sleeved jumper with a dripping black peace sign. A birthday present from someone years before. He pulled it on and breathed in the scent of it. He hated it so much, but it was oddly comforting.

Susan was just brushing her teeth when he got up so he didn't have a chance to talk to her before she left for work. She said they'd talk later. I'll just wait here then he thought. Breakfast was a bowl of cornflakes without milk and a glass of orange juice. Most of the day he spent sitting outside in the backyard. He pulled a parasol to hide his face from the sun. He guessed he fell asleep because he lost some time, evident by the passing of shadows across the grass.

He didn't talk to Daniel all that day. The phone rang several times – he never answered. He wanted to, but there was nothing he could say. To put into words to make him understand... It seemed absurd, to be upset when such a victory is won.

Please stop ringing he thought when it rang a third time. The message should be clear. I'm sorry, I swear we'll talk for hours later on...or tomorrow...

After the fifth ring Justin sent Daniel a text that simply said he needed some quiet time and they would talk later. He felt like shit for treating him like that. I'll apologise later. I wonder if he'll give out. Will we fight? Our first fight... That's a milestone at least...

After getting hungrier and hungrier he made himself a light lunch of toast and scrambled eggs. Silence echoed around him. His breathing slowed to a snail's pace as the clock ticked interminably around. Brought back to waiting at the table several months before he shivered and pushed his hands through his hair. It had grown longer since then, softer as well. It looked healthier which he liked.

Susan was home earlier than usual, which he noted as she closed the door after her.

"We had no more appointments today. Nicolas is on call tonight in case there's an emergency. Mrs Davis' budgie might swallow a full seed again or something."

"Does that happen often?"

"More often than you'd think. And that little bollocks can bite, lemme tell you."

Justin laughed weakly. Susan had complained about Mrs Davis before. Apparently every time that budgie even sounded weak she would rush him into the vets – annoying, but endearing how much she cared for it.

"You okay? You look pale."

"Do I? I've been in the sun all day."

"Well your hands are a bit red alright, that's it."

He looked down. They had taken on a bit of a reddish tinge. They had been in his lap most of the time. He hadn't noticed.

"I wanna talk," he said after a lapse of silence.

"About what?"

"Going home."

His face was pointed down, eyes looking up at her. She could tell by his flat expression this was serious and sat down beside him.

"Go on," she said.

"It's...it's hard to explain..." he began, choosing his words slowly and carefully. "I'm happy that King and his family are gone – ecstatic even, God knows I wanted him punished – but... Going back there, I'm not sure about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm not sure if I want to go back. To leave. You, this town, my friends. Daniel."

"I see."

"It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything to mom and dad-"

"I know you're not."

"But I don't think I could feel comfortable back there. I'd be known as the gay kid who ran away. Some people would call me the guy who ruined a promising footballer's school career."

"I'm sure they wouldn't-"

"People are assholes. There's always someone thinking like that."

Susan paused for a moment. "So...what do you want to do?"

He was taken aback. Through all the night and day and all the thinking – he actually hadn't thought about a way to deal with it. The susurrus of doubts and worries had prevented him from thinking ahead.

"Well... I suppose... If I went home I'd be back and forth all the time... If I were to stay here I'd have to explain to mom and dad why."

"Explain...everything?"

"I think so. I mean, think about it, how else can I possibly explain it right. Sure, I can tell them I met new people but that wouldn't be enough. Would it?"

"It might be. Unless you think it wouldn't be."

Justin got vaguely frustrated by that last sentence. If he had wanted to think about it in circles he wouldn't have said anything!

"I don't know," he sighed as he covered his face with his hands. "I have to tell them sometime."

"You want to come out?"

"I know it's a bit soon, but I just want it to be over, you know? Rip the plaster off. It's better than suffering. At least for me it is."

"We could go to visit them at the weekend when I'm off." He nodded absent-mindedly. "Bring Daniel if you want."

He snapped his head around to look her right in the eye. "Are you serious?" She nodded. "You think I should ask him?"

"You'll be telling them about him I presume. So why not have him there? They'll want to meet him."

"But what if it goes wrong? What if they don't like it, what if he gets hurt, what if-"

She reached over to him and put her hand on his arm to calm him. "Don't say 'what if'.'What if' ruins everything. Nothing bad will happen, don't be worrying about that."

"I know. Anyway I shouldn't be worrying, unconditional love and all that," he said quietly. "It's a good idea. But we can't just arrive at home with a random guy."

"I'll tell them you're bringing a friend. To show him the town or something."

"There's nothing in that town to show him!"

"Then it'll be 'something' okay? Relax!"

Justin stood up and hugged his sister. He whispered thanks in her ear then went down to his room to call Daniel while she also made a very important call.