The Messenger

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

I have never felt so low to the point where I am questioning if it is even worth it to go on. Is it worth it to wake up every day knowing everything you once knew is a lie. Is it worth it to have these voices taunt and mock you all day everyday. That answer to these questions is still unknown to me. It is hard to push through this without having that one person to help you through it. My dear sister has been my backbone all my life, my savior in most cases. Whenever I wasn’t strong enough to deal with a situation on my own, she would step in and take care of it no matter what because that’s what big sisters do. Your bigger sister is always suppose to be there to look after you. Now that I know I no longer have that type of support, it makes me feel naked and bare. Like I am no longer complete. As if the other half of me has shattered to a million unfixable pieces.

Losing a sibling is the most devastating thing a person can go through in their lifetime, but losing a twin is ten times worse. Not to say you weren’t close with your other siblings it’s just twins share an unspeakable bond that can not be understood by outsiders. You have been together since the time you were conceived and were just mere embryos, turning into fetuses, then finally babies. Spending nine interrupted months together with someone, (even if they can not exactly speak yet), can have a toll on you. Good or bad. In this case it was good for the most part, until now. Not having Caroline to confide in is pretty rough but I will adjust to the changes, eventually.

You know, I would have never thought that I out of all people would be the person to question my loyalty to her. If she has taught me anything in life it is that blood is thicker than water. Meaning your loyalty to your family should come first to anything. Your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, anybody. You are never suppose to let an outsider come and ruin things between you guys. Sadly, I did just that, not once but twice. Two fucking time I have put these other people before her and what happen? I got burned both times and ended up with a broken heart also. I can admit that what I did was stupid, foolish, and reckless but I don’t think the punishment I am receiving suits this at all.

Although I have done some really fucked up stuff in the past, I can own up to it and learn from my mistakes. Caroline has never admitted when she was in the wrong, she would always make up a stupid explanation why it somehow miraculously was my fault. After awhile I began to become wary to the little arguments and just submitted and let her be right. Like now, she is in the wrong by listen to Kenny when it came to family business. What was going on between Caroline and I needed to stay between Caroline and I. Kenny Miller doesn’t fit anywhere in that equation.

But that isn’t the sole purpose of my anger; I am angry because Caroline thought, or still thinks, that prison was where I deserved to be. I deserved to be in a place where rapists, drug dealers, and gang affiliated people went? No, I don’t deserve to go there. Prophets do not hang out with the likes of those people! What good what it down to spread my knowledge to a bunch of lost souls? Souls that went off on the deep end and can never be realed back. I would never waste my breath on a wasted space on this earth. It is really not worth my time. Since I have had quite some time to reflect on this matter, I came to this conclusion.

As long as the people who have turned their backs on me walk this earth, I will never be able to achieve my ultimate goal. With that being said, everyone who has wronged me will have hell to pay in the near future.

I have been lost in my thoughts for so long I hadn’t even noticed we have left the jail. I turned my head to gaze out the window and seen miles and miles of trees. I assume we must be somewhat close to the place since I see all of these pine trees. I think my assigned social worker had said the name was Forest View Psychiatric Hospital. “Mental health care, with compassion and respect”, whatever the hell that means. I don’t need to be in that place either. I am obviously not fucking crazy, I’ve been fine my whole life why wouldn’t I be now.