Alex woke up with a clarity that he hadn't experienced in months, maybe years, maybe never. It was a feeling that flooded his body like a cleansing breeze. The build up of pollution was gone and his mind was on one on single track and not speeding.
He sat on the edge of the bed and scrubbed his fist against his eyes. They were swollen from sleeping so hard and he wondered the last time he'd done that. He wondered when his mind had ever slowed enough for him to have a real, honest sleep. He doubted it had. After all, he had always had Roman to take care of him, but then there was something that Roman could never take care of for him and, even if he could, Alex wouldn't want Roman within a galaxy of that kind of pain and disgust.
He knew that that night wasn't his fault. He did know what consent meant. His father and Michael had sat the boys down during the throes of puberty and talked and talked about consent. They had told them they had no right to ever assume they could touch or feel entitled to another person's body and that went both ways. Alex had blushed furiously at implication that they would someday be old enough for such things and Roman had nodded seriously, taking mental notes and even asking questions. Maybe that was why.... Alex shook his head and stood up from the bed.
He had made so many excuses as to why that night happened and he had realized the truth. He didn't need to make excuses because there were none to be made. He hadn't done anything wrong and he had nothing to apologize for.
Melani's words floated around his head as he splashed cold water on his face. While Alex remained hidden away that man was out and about. He was living his life and he was a ticking bomb waiting to go off. Alex knew he wouldn't be the only one if he kept his mouth shut, and if he did and someone else was hurt...
She was right on all fronts. He had always hidden behind Roman. He had taken that spot when they were children and he had found safety and comfort there since. Roman would clear the way and look for dangers. Roman would take the brunt of anything for Alex, but there came a point where that couldn't happen.
Roman looked up in surprise when Alex came out of the bedroom fully dressed. Milk ran from Roman's chin and he swiped it away as he dropped his spoon back into his cereal bowl.
"Babe?" he asked, quickly swallowing the food in his mouth.
"I need to go out for a bit," Alex said. Roman shoved away his bowl and began to push back his chair. Alex shook his head and continued, "Alone." Roman looked up, brow furrowed, and frowning, but Alex didn't give him a chance to respond before he reached across the space and quickly kissed Roman's cheek before getting out of the apartment before Roman could react further.
~~
He stood outside of the police station watching people walk by. Bile burned his throat and his shaking hands were hidden in his pockets. After almost an hour and a half had ticked by he stood up and began to walk away. He got to the crosswalk before he paused and cussed just loud enough for the group next to him to look up.
It had taken him a year to work up to that moment. It had taken losing it all for him to realize what he really had. He thought back to the nights that he had spent on his knees praying that Roman was safe, that he made it back. He thought about the life he had wasted bent over a toilet bowl because of the alcohol he used to comfort him when the prayers didn't. Roman had fought and Roman had come home. Alex had fought, too. They simply wore their battle scars differently.
He spun on his heels and quickly ran back towards the looming building, not stopping until his shoes were hitting the shiny marble floor inside.
~~
It was late before Alex returned home. After leaving the police station he had walked until his feet had ached and then he walked more. He walked until he could make sense of everything and then, when he realized that some things simply would never make sense, he stopped and turned for home.. one place where they did.
Roman was asleep on the couch, cell phone sitting on his chest and Alex cringed. His phone had gone off more times than he could count but he didn't have enough words to spare so he didn't answer. He would apologize later and hope that they all understood he needed to make his time about him for just a few moments.
He softly stroked Roman's arms, leaning down enough to kiss his forehead but backed up when Roman startled awake.
"Where the fuck were you?" Roman asked angrily, shoving himself upright.
"The police station," Alex answered as he dropped onto a cushion beside Roman. The anger slipped from Roman's expression and remained blank just long enough for him to register what Alex had said.
"Why didn't you-"
Alex cut him off with a shake of his head. "He's always smiling. Every time I see him, he's smiling. He's always laughing with friends or just... why does he get to smile? Why does he get to laugh with friends? Why does he get to walk down the street with his head up? A year doesn't sound like a lot, but when it's filled with fucking misery, it's forever. I lost time with my parents, friends, school..I know it's never going to go away. I want to start a life with you and I couldn't do that with him hanging over my every thought. It happened. I know it did, but I'm hoping someday you can see passed that and-"
"What?" Roman blurted. "What do you mean?"
"Can I just go to bed? I'm exhausted."
"Of course," Roman replied.
Roman was sitting on the edge of the bed when Alex came out of the bathroom. He dried his hair with his towel and threw it on the floor and let his body fall heavily onto the bed. He could feel Roman's eyes on him, but made no attempt to engage him in conversation. He had used all of his words for the day, maybe for the rest of the year. He just needed to close his eyes. He just wanted to get one more night of sleep before everything was changed once more.
He was beginning to drift off and Roman still hadn't moved. With a sigh Alex heaved himself onto his opposite side and stretched out an arm. There was a short sigh before the mattress creaked and Roman shifted his body into the open space. He buried his face in Alex's chest and attempted to curl his larger frame in as much as he could. Alex smiled and kissed Roman's mop of hair once he settled.
Melani had only pointed out what was seen. Alex had taken his place behind Roman, letting Roman clear the way with muscle and brawn, but when she forgot, or maybe didn't know, was that Alex had his own role and that it was just an important as Roman's. Alex didn't possess the muscle and intimidation factor that Roman did, but what he did possess was what had never failed to make Roman settle even on the most chaotic of nights. He stroked his fingertips down Roman's back and smiled further when Roman let out a small sigh against his skin, shifting his head to allow his ear to press to Alex's breastbone.
