In Your Hands

Stop, look and listen

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

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How will you know if God wants you to stop, look and listen at a particular stage in your life before you go to where you're going? This was my question when I did not finish my dissertation after three years in the doctoral study.

Looking back, I was an ambitious, persistent and struggling individual trying to be on the finish line rushing to culminate the seemingly endless pursuit for academic excellence. I imagined myself with my colleagues marching the road less taken before a huge spectator and tossing the doctorate cap in mid air for the final round. Then, I imagined myself soaring high, continuing my journey in a foreign land where opportunities await with a welcome embrace...where "milk and honey" flow in abundance - a place definitely better than where I am now.

Then, Graduation Day came. My colleagues and I were never part of the Ph.D. graduates for that particular year. The reason? Unfinished dissertation. Why unfinished? One year for dissertation writing is not enough to contain the wisdom yet to be discovered in the unwritten pages of reality.

Yes, I worked hard within the calendar I set for my graduate studies. I did not waste my time or anybody's time during the ordeal. If there is one thing I was at fault, it was stealing the time intended for my family or demanding the time of other people whose voices are equally important to determine the worth of my work.

Many times the scheduled defenses were cancelled causing a series of delay to the realization of my book...making the "researcher" within me to become more impatient in a time she never wanted to stop writing. To and fro, I would cross the danger of long distance travel, only to beg for the time that was never meant to be. Until the sun would set on the horizon leaving half of my dream unfulfilled. Only heavens knew the endless frustrations etched not only in my being but as well in every pages of my unfinished book at every setting of the sun.

As I waited for the uncertain schedule defense, I learned to slow down and unload myself from too much self-imposed burden accumulated through those difficult and stressful years. My life had come back to me, to my husband and children. And we were a normal family again without fear of spending the week ends and the means, not for " self brain-draining" activities but for the things we love to do together as a family. No more research for the meantime. Scattered papers, pens and books were neatly arranged and out of sight to avoid episodic research "encounter" of some sort that would definitely destroy the momentarily pleasant interlude brought by the school break. Then I noticed, I had missed a lot of fun with my kids while I was too engrossed in this "meaningless" pursuit for three years (not too mention the other three years in a masteral study).

However, I still do believe with all my heart, it's God's plan for me to be a doctor. But the person He wants to be in the making is one who does not use her own mold to shape the person she can be. God's molding is the perfect shape to form an individual into a person He wants him to become. Yes, I still believe, it's God's plan for me to finish this journey in time. Only I was too eager and in a hurry to seal the book, unmindful that my time is NEVER God's time.

In my haste, the spirit of impatient resurrected in me and I lost track of the real purpose why I was allowed by the Master Teacher to travel this road and be educated in a higher strata of learning. Primarily, it was never for me to gain a title or to become someone else. Instead, I was supposed to trust His plans for my life and make me the one He wants me to be...not to gain a name for myself but to reflect His title...His name...His character in my life to those people with title as they see me in the graduate school.

Deep inside, the spirit of the Lord restored in me the values of patience, perseverance and trust. He taught me to stop, look and listen before I finally go in the road of life. Many things are missed out in our haste to cross the road. The other side of the road is not yet our destiny. Crossing it is just part of the journey. But arriving to our destiny depends on how careful we walk daily on that part of the road and on the many crossroads we are to take in life without committing any "traffic" violations. It pays to stop, look and listen before going any further, mindful that the path is leading us to where God is.

When I slow down, I take time not only to hear but listen to His voice. I take time not only to look but stare at my kids in moments they are unaware. I take time not only to smile but laugh with friends and loved ones. To make memories with family instead of making a book in solitary. Memories that will fill the pages of the past, enough to shape our future.

When I slow down, I do the most meaningful pursuit of life - seeking the kingdom first and "all these things" - including this Ph.D. degree - "shall be added unto you". That is, in His perfect time, I will be marching among the graduates, ready to face greater and bigger responsibilities in the future - an addendum in my life - only for His glory.

Yes, I slow down and I can see clearly the traffic signs in every highways and byways of life. One that appears to be shouting at me says: STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN to God.

Prayer:
Teach me, oh Father God, to stop doing things my way, to be still and know that You are my God when I am rushing things and wearing my soul for things that do not last. Create in me a desire to look only to You, my only surety in this lost and troubled times. Help me to listen to Your voice and never to the deception of different voices diverting my attention. I'm a stranger in this world, lead me, show me the way, oh Lord, to where I can be home with You. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

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The writer finally graduated this year (April 2016) after almost a year when she had written this piece.