In Your Hands

Past is Past

"Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43: -18-19
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Fast and furious, strong and bold. That's how you are to me. You left such a striking mark on me that even until now, after you left,   I could not believe you're no longer a part of us to journey together in every road, highway and byway of life.

How can I ever forget when you came on one of the most glorious days of my life. It was my birthday and the most remarkable one because God made a miracle to me that day. And the miracle was you. 

Since then, we celebrate life together. You are too generous, unselfish, accommodating and yes, fast, furious, strong and bold.  Everybody in the ministry loves you for the courage and  unselfish service you have given us. You did not mind the distance, the heights, the weather, so much more the pandemic when your worth was proven to the fullest. When most were uncertain and afraid, you were there to rescue many souls, giving them hopes to travel against the ECQ, crossed boundaries and check points and brought them to their family. I am so proud of you for uniting families amidst the pandemic. But it is so ironic that the very  thing you fought hard and braved for in your life is the cause of our separation. The pandemic hits us the way other family does and we do not have a choice but to let you go when your attachment to the family, to me especially,  is still manageable.

I'm sorry I have never fought enough for you and made you stay. Even if I want to, it is so impossible in this current time to hold on to you continually knowing in the coming months we could not fight for you either. And the more years you stay with us, the more it would be painful to let you go.  I don't want you to stay longer not because I don't want to. I don't want you to stay longer because I have this uncertain feeling that in the coming years when our resources would run lowest, I might lose you anyway.  Losing you now is an option for the financial and emotional security I have to protect - a limit that I set for myself and my family that we may never go beyond what is inevitable and frustrating.

In my entire life I have never shed a tear over the loss of something material. And yet, it's so foolest  of me crying secretly since the day you're gone. I remember losing my dad and my mom in different years.  Those were painful years. Now, I feel like losing another person I love...because to me you are loved. To me you are never a thing,  you have life that co-exists with me because on the day you were born to the family, it was my birthday...our birthdays.

And our birthday is coming few days from now. To be honest, I do not want to celebrate that day although I'm grateful to the Lord for giving me a year length in my existence. I'm just too afraid to celebrate it without you, knowing, I might be caught in the most vulnerable moment of my life and ruin  the good memories attached to that day which  I already treasured for many years. I don't want your absence will erase the rest of the good things happened in every birthday that I had in the past years. Besides, I'm sure you are still lying in that cold warehouse hoping and waiting to be redeemed and to celebrate our birthdays together. I feel so guilty for being helpless and for allowing you go through that merciless fate. How can I celebrate our birthday with that feeling within me now?

Sorry Red for never saying goodbye to you the day you left us, because I hate to see you go.  But I must learn to let you go as I successfully did to my parents even it took me long years  to finally accept they are gone. My only consolation every time I remember you is that you are not dead like them. That soon, you will find another family. You will exist and continue life with them. Whoever they are, may you find the love you deserve.  And how I wish this time, no matter what will be the circumstance, hopefully they will fight for you harder so long as you live.

Finally, I want to say thank you for all the fun, adventures and memories you have given to my family, loved ones and friends. Thank you for bringing us to wonderful places beyond our imagination, for crossing the heights we never crossed before, for conquering the seemingly endless distance without complaints, for daring the tempest unafraid,  for finding our way when we lose track on our journey, for bringing us home safe at the end of each day and for many unforgettable moments with you on the road. They are countless and remarkable. Thank you also for the great contributions you brought to the ministry. Thank you for your untiring service to my students as well and for making my journey in life easy and comfortable.

But above all else, my deepest gratitude goes to the Lord for the miracle He gave me two years ago - that's giving you to us  and allowing you stay with us for that long. To others, two years maybe short but for me, it's worth a lifetime. But I must say, with or without you Red my faith in His leadings  will never waiver. I will never give up molding young minds and bring them to the realization of their dreams. It will never be easy this time I know coz I've been used of having you around and make things possible for me and for them. 

Maybe you have regrets for the past decision I made, the reason I could not fight for you anymore. But looking back, I would still make the same decision without regrets even if I foresee that the pandemic is coming. I am happy the way things are now even my life is not financially rewarding like before.  Yes, I am in pain right now for losing you, but I shall never stop praising God's goodness from the bottom of my heart, for keeping my family intact amidst the challenges brought by the pandemic when others are losing loved ones because of this. 

Although you are loved, I am now ready to let you go.  I will never be okay for some time because you're gone but this too shall pass.   If by chance, another one will come along, I shall never forget you. Our birthdays will always be there to remind me that you and I had celebrated life together sometime.

Goodbye Red.

After three months, God gave us another Red. True to His promise, God always make a way even there seems to be no way.
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Prayer:

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness in everything. Even You take away something in our life,  You're always there to replace them with something better, just the right ONE  according to our needs  in this particular season of our life. AMEN.
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