GOD IS LOVE

MY CRIPPLING PAST (PART 1)

Listen to the song on the right --- "You Love Me Anyway"

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MY CRIPPLING PAST

Before I encountered the love of God, I was a girl with a lot of insecurities in life. I was so blinded that I wasn't able to see that I have a lot of things to be thankful about. All I was able to see are the things that I want but obviously can't have. All I can see are the worst things in my life.

I grew up in a family that I can say is a bit complicated. Both of my parents have their own families before they met each other. I know that a lot of families are like mine. But it took a lot of growing up before I finally realize that we are not the only one that is in a situation like that. I had a hard time thinking why I was using my mother's surname instead of my father's. It took a lot of time before I finally understood that my parents can't marry each other that time. It's because my father's first wife would not allow them to be married. That's one of the reasons why I started to hate my father's first family. Well, I did not actually show them that I hate them. I treated them well. I was such a good girl that I even obliged to call her "mama," too.

To make it short, I thought that my family was so defective- that we are no ordinary family. I and my sister were still so young that time to understand everything. We were even forced to leave our own home and move to another city. And we had a hard time adopting to a new environment. I even had experienced crying the whole day on my first day of class. I was taken off my comfort zone. I was so fretful and so lonely.

As time passed by, I started to get used to it. I was still able to excel in class and made new friends. I knew that my parents are so proud of me when it comes to my academics. We were thought to value education. My parents kept on reminding us that this is the only thing that they could give us. But in spite of that, I never really had enough self-confidence. My self-esteem was too low that even if everybody tells me that I am intelligent, I won't believe them. Why is that so?

My family, I could say, is fun. But I couldn't call it a home sweet home. I grew up so jealous of my sister. They always took her side whenever we quarrel. I know that it might be so different from my family's point of view, but this is something that I always hold against my parents. I grew up with a lot of insecurities because of them. (Note: this is the way I see my family before I accepted Jesus in my life. I was so blinded by Satan's lies that time. Praise God. I've been set free.)

You know, our family can wound us in a way no one else can. So being the sensitive person that I was, I always took every word they say seriously, even if they meant it to be a joke. Well, jokes are half-meant, right?

They made me feel so ugly. I even thought that no guy would ever like me, even if they say that I have a good heart. Whenever someone would say I'm pretty, I'm cute, and the likes, I would not take that to heart. I was too overwhelmed when someone had told me that he has a crush on me. I thought that was ridiculous. Why would I give myself false hopes?

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