GOD IS LOVE

God Is My Healer

I removed one of the previous chapters. I just found that redundant.

This is dedicated to all who are hurting.

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The day has come to an end. It's night time again.

Everyone's gently sleeping, probably enjoying their dreams. But here I am, staring blankly at nothing in particular, seemingly lost in time and space, my mind wondering and thinking... just thinking.

After a while, I almost did not notice, a hot liquid had streamed down my face. My hand seems to have a life of it's own and finds its way to my face, gently wiping my tears away. But it failed to stop them from falling.

Like a cloud that could no longer carry the heavy rain, I had burst into tears. I could no longer suppress the pain. The heartaches aren't new to me though. I haven't cried like this for quite some time now. My tears seem to have an unlimited supply. I wonder where they're coming from. How much more would I be able to cry out?

I looked at my pillow and reached it. I held it in a tight hug. Good thing it can't talk. I can hug it tighter and tighter without hearing a single complaint. Even if I soak it with my tears, it won't get angry with me. But, on second thought, I silently hoped it could talk, hug me back, wipe away my tears, and comfort me like a friend could.

A friend.

I have a bunch of that. But why can't I think any of them whom I could talk to? Why isn't anyone bothering to check if i'm doing good? Why isn't there anyone whom I could demand some time to be with? Why do they all seem to be so caught up in their own lives? Why do they remember me mostly just in times of need?

You are so alone in this world.

No one cares about you.

You've got no real friend.

No one truly loves you.

I covered my ears with my trembling hands. I don't want to think about those thoughts anymore. But this world is just bringing them all back to me. I could hardly breathe. My heart feels like it's being crushed into pieces once again.

Why does everybody seem to always see my mistakes, be it small or big? Why aren't they giving me a chance to change? Why can't they see the good I do? Even before I do something good, I was already judged. Why is it that those people I care so much about are the ones continually failing and hurting me?

I'm getting tired. I'm feeling helpless. Am I really better off alone?

After a moment of silence, I closed my eyes. I could hear my own heartbeat and my silent sobs. I felt like all my energy was drained in just an instant.

I wanted to pray. But my body doesn't feel like it. I was thinking of how am I going to start. Even I could not understand why I'm being like this. I do trust God, but I couldn't find the strength to keep holding on. It's hard to believe in something opposite the reality. I tried to think of a good thing to explain why I'm going through this pain again. I thought I had given them all up to Him?