What do i do with my life now? It'school break and i have so much time to think about my life. I have spent days and nights stuffing/puking/stuffing/puking. I'm so tired all the time and i have no self control anymore. It hasn't been going on for long and it already feels like it controls my life so much. Nick doesn't know about it but he won't suspect a thing because i have fats everywhere. I'm a fat disgusting pig.
Mornings are the worst. I wake up feeling nauseous and stabbing pains in my stomach. I smell like puke half the time and my throat hurts. It takes so much energy just to climb up and down the stairs everyday. I don't know what happened that caused this, it just happened. I can't explain it.
I step on the scale, 79lbs. That's not enough, you need to lose 5 more pounds.
Binge, purge, restrict, abuse laxatives. That pretty much sums up my school break. I've lost 20 pounds since the past month and it still isn't enough. It will never be enough. No matter how hard i try, i will always be too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too this and too that. You can't please society, i know i should just accept that but i can't. I'm not pretty, skinny, tall, smart or talented. I'm nothing. The least i can be is skinny. When i reach my goal weight, i'll be beautiful and skinny. Nick tells me I'm beautiful and that i have a perfect body but i just don't see it. Maybe he's lying, humans lie but the mirror doesn't. It doesn't sugar coat the way you look. It's just a plain reflection and i hate my reflection. I hate the way my hair looks, my face, my stomach and my thighs. I'm imperfect.
I get dressed to visit nick again.
