You won't get what being paranoid about things feels like. What crying about stuff that might or might never happen feels like. What its like to think of worst case scenarios and drive yourself crazy until you're on your knees. Not idiomatically, literally on your knees.
To think it will all be the same, over and over and over again, which it is 99% of the time. To shake violently with anxiety. What its like to want solitude but not loneliness. To stay in a state of dizziness for two days straight in an attempt to make your mind stop. To be way too much for everyone, to be too much to deal with, too much to take and too much to handle. To not be enough and just be a filthy sack of mistakes who deserves nothing but pain, all the bad that has happened. To think of yourself as undeserving of love and niceness that comes along and to be deserving of all the bad, all the blood, pain, everything.
This is the simplest way I can put it in yet my chest aches from the overflow, the self hatred I haven't yet talked about, or can't express it, it aches from all the emotions in there driving me crazy yet so hard to explain.
