Paper Hearts

THEN: Chapter 35

The past cannot be cured – Elizabeth I

Eden:

I hated that job.

I hated the fact that I was ashamed of it; I told everyone that I’d got a job in a bar uptown so they wouldn’t try to visit me.

I hated that I was on the 6-10 night shift, and didn’t get to put my son to bed.

I hated that I had to ask for Mum’s help, although she gave it willingly, even gladly.

I hated the other girls, with their cold eyes and forced giggles and hostility towards anyone not holding a wad of cash.

But most of all, I hated the men. Most of them were find, mind you, even polite – even nice – but they still made my skin crawl. I hated having them look at me, knowing that they were imagining the things I could do; I hated their sweaty palms when they flew their money at me or tried for a cheeky grope.

“Hm” John, the manager, had studied me thoughtfully when I told him my name, “I’d normally advise a false name, but Eden could work...Biblical temptation, something you’re not supposed to want but you do...something you shouldn’t think about – “

“You mean the forbidden fruit?” I supplied scathingly, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. John nodded enthusiastically, not noticing my scorn.

“Exactly! We can just stitch some fake leaves on your clothes and you’re done – Eve in the garden of Eden, seduced by temptation...it’s a good theme”

“What?” I gawped at him, praying that I’d dreamed up that entire conversation, “You want me to walk around dressed in leaves?!”

I sounded disgusted, and he noticed.

“You’ll still have the bra and shorts on underneath, you won’t be naked!” he sighed, “Look, Eden, if you don’t want this job plenty of others will take it. I offered it to you because I know you’ll make money, and I know you need this money. You want to give that kid of yours everything he wants, right?”

He knew me better than I had expected already – but then again, I reflected, he must have seen lots of girls like me over the years.

“Yes” I said at last, reluctantly, “Look, it’s just that it...it’s different, from what I’m used to. It’s way more exposed and scary and out in the open than anything I’ve ever done before. And I know I need this job, for George, and I’m grateful for the opportunity, it’s just – “

“Going to take some time to get used to” John cut me off, firm but understanding, “I know. I understand that. But you better get used to it quickly” he rose from his seat, patted my cheek, “There are plenty more where you came from”

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John was right. The only upside of the whole thing was being able to treat George. After my first week as ‘Eve in the Garden of Eden’, dancing around dressed in hardly anything more than leaves and hating myself the entire time, I took George book shopping with me. He spent ages in the children’s section, picking out books more suited to kids a good few years older than him, and as he browsed, I did too. It had been ages since I’d bought myself anything, let alone a book. I still couldn’t let myself buy more than one, and choosing which one was the most fun I’d had in ages. That thought made me smile. Emma would have said I needed a man in my life – in fact, Emma often said that I needed a man in my life. I was fine with George. There was only one man I wanted anyway, and he’d let me down, badly. And I wanted to stop wanting him. But that was impossible.

I took George shopping for new clothes too, a couple of t-shirts and some jeans (his were getting shorts). New school shoes because he’d worn his so thin, new jumpers, school shirts...he was excited at the spending, so unlike me on previous shopping trips, and seeing his bright, shining face made me feel a whole lot better about what I was doing to pay for our extravagance.

Ollie:

Home.

For other people that word usually means family, warmth, happiness. A Mum to hug you and ask how well you are, a Dad to talk to about your day. Maybe friends to have over for dinner. Grandparents to bake cake for. Siblings to look after.

I wished I had just one part of that to welcome me home.

Instead, the flat was dusty from being empty for so long. It was cold. Three of the bulbs fizzed out when I switched the lights on. I hadn’t paid my last gas bill. I had no food in the fridge.

I was alone. And I was grieving.

A few weeks passed in this way, as I tried to readjust to the idea that I was back in the real world, and this was my life now. I bought food at the supermarket, got up in the morning and showered, tried to occupy my days. I needed another job, but the thought of actually having to interact with people and make them like me made me feel slightly queasy. I drank a lot, like after Mum and Dad had died, and I wore Kieran’s leather bracelet on my wrist.

There was a knock on the door some time after my return to normality. I was reluctant to go to the door – who could want to see me, after all? – but I went anyway, rubbing my pounding head as I went.

“Oz!”

It was Josh, with his big schoolboy grin and his fluffy black girls, standing there looking as though nothing had ever happened to make either of us feel any pain. I stared at him, blinked a few times – was I hallucinating?

No. He was really there. And he was really smiling at me.

And he had two holdalls at his feet.

“I decided I needed a holiday. So here I am! You gonna let me in?”