Paper Hearts

THEN: Chapter 37

The headiest loves were the loves that could not be – Anna Godbersen

Eden:

I spent another whole year in that place, detesting it, detesting myself, detesting what I had done. I never saw or spoke to Josh again. I never wanted to. I had done what I had to do to keep my secret safe and my son free from the heartbreak I had suffered. Even if a part of me still really wanted to know why Ollie hadn’t replied to my letter. Had it panicked him, discovering the existence of this new, massive responsibility? Had he moved on with someone else, someone that perhaps Dan didn’t know about? Or maybe the injury had turned out to be fatal after all, maybe he had already died and been buried without me ever even knowing...it hurt to think about it. So I put it to the back of my mind, like I did with most things during that time of my life, and pretended that everything was fine. That I was fine.

I quit my job two weeks before George’s sixth birthday. I had already bought all of his presents, and my head wasn’t really in the game that evening – I was thinking about how I would surprise him with them, his excited little face, how his smile would light up the room when he saw the birthday cake I’d had custom made surrounded by all the people he loved. Well, not quite all. But it was the best I could get for him.

I was serving drinks, and I was used to men reaching out and smacking my arse while I did so, or making inappropriate suggestions, or even going for my boobs if they were drunk enough. What I wasn’t used to was a man standing up and knocking the tray of drinks out of my hands so he could wrap his arms around my waist and pull me close to him.

The glasses smashed on the floor, drinks sloshing – the music was so loud that many people didn’t hear, but they couldn’t fail to notice what was happening. The rest of the girls kept dancing as if nothing was going on, and it made me wonder, in that fleeting moment, how many of them had had things like this happen to them, and if anyone had come to their aid.

I was spun around to face a middle-aged man in a suit whose unfocused eyes and unsteady feet clearly demonstrated that was way past drunk. I thought that would make him weaker, easier to push away, but he somehow retained an iron grip on my upper arms that I knew would smart. And although I knew I should be scared, although a couple of the men around me looked anxious, I wasn’t scared. Because I remembered what had happened to the last man who tried to touch me against my will.

“Get off of me” I spoke calmly, though my words were cool, clipped.

“Dance for me” he slurred the words, drawing them out like they were difficult for him to say. I snorted.

“I don’t think so. Now get off of me”

“Oh, come on. I’ll pay you”

“That doesn’t mean you own me” I growled, and saw the first flash of hesitation in his eyes, “And it doesn’t mean you can decide what I do or do not do. Now let go”

“It’s your job” he retorted, fingers digging in harder. And something in me snapped.

“Not anymore it isn’t”

I swung my leg up, just as I had with Jack, and kicked him hard between the legs. The man howled, perhaps more sensitive due to his drunkenness, and I yanked my wrists from his grip.

John was standing in the doorway of his office, and his face was set and hard. He beckoned me over.

“You don’t need to say it” I folded my arms across my chest, chin jutting, voice icy, “I quit. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t do this anymore”

He sighed, the heavy sigh that I was beginning to think he reserved just for me, his most reluctant worker, “I wasn’t going to fire you, Eden. If I fired every girl who’d injured a guy in this place, I wouldn’t have any dancers left”

“I still quit” I told him firmly, “Seriously, John, I can’t do it anymore. Thanks for the opportunity and all, but I...I quit”

He looked more upset by my statement than I had expected him too; then he nodded, resigned to my refusal.

“Fine. Okay. I understand” he slid a cheque towards me across the table, “Here’s this week’s pay. You can take your tips too”

I stared at him, “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I know you hate me for what I do here, Eden, but I do have a heart. I know it’s your kid’s birthday coming up and you’re gonna need all the money you can get. So go on home, now, before I change my mind”

For a crazy moment I wanted to hug him; instead, I held out my hand to him, smiling.

“Thank you”

A smile appeared reluctantly at the corner of his mouth, “You’re welcome, Eden. Good luck”

Ollie:

I gradually lost touch with Josh over the next year of my life. I didn’t know why, whether it was the PTSD or what, but after his initial excitement at coming to see me, he grew distant and shifty. I often felt like he was trying to hide something from me – or maybe he’d just gotten pissed after I refused to join him at the strip club that had just opened nearby. Either way, Josh faded out of my life almost like the others had done. I still had Dan, of course, and Harry was delighted that I was around all the time once again, but I had not felt so alone for many years. Sometimes there were nights when I drank too much, when I found girls in bars and fucked them until I forgot pretty much everything. But most nights I sat and read alone, wishing for someone just to be in the same room, just to breathe the same air.

I moved house after four months of this – just a couple of streets away from my flat, but the slight change of scene was what I needed. I got a job in the local library and found more peace than I had in a long time within the comfortable silence of the place. I was as close as I was ever going to get to being happy, I suspected.

It could only get better.