Attention || Lashton

Chapter 10

October 5, 2015:

Nobody mentioned my episode in the lunch room. But Luke came to school today, and we were in math. I continued staring at the camera in the clock, knowing they were watching me. Analyzing me. I felt my wrist itch uncontrollably. I turn around when I hear voices and see Luke smiling and laughing with the kid who recently transferred to the class. Alexander Vaughn. 

He was attractive, but not as attractive as Luke. Alexander has light brown hair, a messy fringe covering half of his face. He had dark green eyes and a crooked smile, and he was quiet for the most part. Jealously begins building up as I see Luke's wide smile, and I hear his broad laugh. It begins getting louder and I knew what Alexander was attempting. He was trying to hurt me, not physically but he was fucking with my mental state. I get up from my desk and go to the bathroom.

Nobody tries stopping me.

I head into the empty bathroom, going into the stall and leaning against the wall. My heart begins pounding harder as tears begin falling and I sob violently but quietly.

I fall to the ground and hold my wrist out, taking the blade I put in my phone case yesterday back out. I lift up my sleeve to see the faded white marks. "Do it Ashton, I don't like you anyway." Luke says to me and I look under the stall, not seeing anybody in the bathroom. 

"Kill yourself. Cut vertically." Luke urges.

I place the corner of the blade mid-arm, and close my eyes and slice down. I see the deep cut tracing to my wrist and I watch as blood pools on top of my wrist. I carefully bring it over above the water and tilt my wrist as the pool becomes a streak.

"Ashton are you okay?" I hear Luke's voice and I knew the school was trying to make me go crazy. Luke was in class, why am I hearing his voice? But I look under the stall again and I see his beat up black and white converse.

"Yep." I simply respond as the blood continues dripping into the clear water that was slowly turning orange. 

He knocks on the stall and I shake my head. "I'm cutting."I tell him, wanting him to crawl under the stall and hug me. I wanted Luke to kiss me and date me so I no longer needed to cut myself.

"Why?" He asks and I close my eyes at his distraught sounding voice.

I don't respond as his violent words from earlier echoed in my head. "Why do you want me to hurt myself?" I ask him angrily, tears continuing to fall from my eyes.

"What do you mean? Ashton I haven't." He says, and I see his feet go behind him and I see his knees on the ground. And then his hands. I see the top of his head going under the stall and then he is with me. He sits next to me and pulls my arm from the toilet. "Fuck, Ash." He swears as the vertical cut continues bleeding. 

He pulls some toilet paper from the roll and covers the cut, the thin material soaking up the blood within a second. He wraps my arm loosely with toilet paper, inefficient but preventing the dripping. "I'm always going to be here." He whispers.

"We didn't hang out the next day like you promised." I said to him shakily.

"I know, I'm sorry. How about today?" He whispers as I lean my head on his shoulder. I nod slowly and close my eyes, taking a deep breath in.

My head doesn't feel supported by his shoulder, and my neck feels stiff and heavy. I sit back up uncomfortably in the small dirty stall. "I am going to head back to class. Clean yourself up." Luke tells me, cupping my face with his hand and getting up from the ground. 

He crawls under the stall for reasons unknown to me and leaves, and I hear his steps echo off the walls. I get up from the ground, my arm still loosely wrapped in toilet paper. I take off the thin material and drop it into the toilet. My wrist had stop bleeding as I flush the toilet, my wrist stained with wet blood as I pull my sleeve down. I feel the blood being shifted from the material of my sweatshirt as if felt cold. I pull it back up and look at my scarred wrist. 

It will all be over one day.

I leave the stall, looking around and clenching my phone tightly in my hand. I go to the sink and wash my wrist of quickly with cold water. I take some paper towels and wrap my wrist, applying pressure before throwing the brown and red material in the garbage. I pull my sleeve back down and head into the empty hallway, keeping my head down. 

I felt stares of people who weren't there as I reenter the classroom. I see Luke and Alexander talking again, just how they were before I left. Luke and I make eye contact, his oceanic blue eyes piercing into my hazel ones. I turn back around hurtfully, sad that he would even think of flirting with Alexander Vaughn. What have I done so wrong?

I continued to stare at the camera hidden in the clock as I hear the intercom turn on. "Mr. Neal?" The lady asks.

"Yeah?" Mr. Neal calls up to the speaker.

"Do you have Ashton Irwin with you?"

"Yeah."

"Can you send him down to guidance please?"

"Yeah he'll be down in a minute." Mr. Neal responds and I feel my world crashing down, wondering what it could be about.

People look at me as a shakily get up from my seat, looking down and quickly exiting the classroom. I tug on the ends of my sleeves, my eyes closed tightly as I lean against some lockers. Maybe they know that I know about their cameras. About their microphones.

I go downstairs and head into the guidance office uncomfortably. "Mr. Davis will see you now, Ashton." The lady at the front tells me as I head to the left. I go into the small room to see Mr. Davis sitting in his cushioned chair.

"Ashton, sit down." He tells me with a smile. I close the door and sit down across the room from him. "So a student came to be to tell me you have been self-harming. Now, it may or may not be true but I have to follow up with it." He explains.

A student didn't tell him. Luke wouldn't betray me like that, Luke is the only one that cares about me. Did they implant something in my brain? A bug that knows what I think and what I do? "Well I'm not." I tell Mr. Davis boldly, trying to keep my head held high to cover up any kind of suspicion.

"Can I see your arms?" Mr. Davis asks me politely, but I knew it wasn't a choice.

I shake my head profusely, not allowing him to make me seem crazy. I will just be labelled and that means the school and the government will take advantage of it. They will hurt me and blame it on me, because I have cut myself. It's all for Luke, though. I have to keep reminding myself of this. "No." I say finally, looking up at his glasses-covered eyes.

"Ashton if you aren't self-harming why can't I see your arms?" Mr. Davis interrogated. What information are they trying to get from me? Why are they trying to do this to me? What have I done that makes everyone question my every move? 

I needed to think of a lie. "My boyfriend hurts me." I tell him.

"Abuses you?" He clarifies and I nod stiffly.

"So there's bruises on your arms?" He asks. 

Stop asking me questions. Stop. Stop. He didn't have a right. Stop. Stop. He needed to back away from me. Stop. Just stop. He has a bug in my brain anyway he won't buy my lie anyway. I nod again, afraid that my words will give something away. "Who's your boyfriend, Ashton?" He asks.

I can't say Luke. I couldn't. I needed to think. "He's in his twenties. It doesn't matter." I lied again, shuffling my feet anxiously. I begin tapping my foot and my breath began to pick up pace. 

"Should I get Officer-" 

"No." I interrupted. I didn't have a name. Not even a fake one and I couldn't risk anybody getting in trouble for a lie I told to cover up my self-harm. "I need to get back to class. I am falling behind in math and I need to be there so I don't fall behind anymore." I lied again, knowing myself that I didn't care about math. That all I did was stare at the clock.

He allows me to go and I almost ruin back up the stairs, relieved I got away with my cutting. I got away. I entered the classroom and everybody looked at me before looking away. Do they know? I sit back down and look at the clock. The camera. The ticking.

I hear Alexander's laugh engulf my world and I felt hot and uncomfortable. He was trying to steal Luke away from me. I look at the clock, wishing I could hear the endless amounts of ticks; but they never came. It was just Alexander's laugh, the volume gradually increasing.