Attention || Lashton

Chapter 6

September 11, 2015:

It was Friday and examining Luke's features. I haven't cut since Wednesday afternoon and Luke saw my mistake. I thought that I may not have the energy or thought to cut at home so, being myself, school seemed like the perfect place.

I felt like I was going crazy. I want to hold a blade in my hand with small situations were I get anxious, and I am not sure if it was just because of Luke anymore. I was in trouble with the teacher after being gone for ten minutes last class, and I was forced to move to the front of the classroom. I frequently looked to where Luke was and I started getting annoyed. What if I had to shit when I left class last time? I shouldn't be punished by the teacher when he was unaware of the situation at hand.

Well I had nothing wrong with me. So there wasn't actually a situation, a bad one at that.

I just wanted to be with Luke because he was absolutely perfect on the inside and out. I watched the minute hand and the second hand, and I swore that I could hear every tick through the teacher's loud voice. I felt like covering my ears with my hands because the constant tick was driving me insane. It must be normal for students that are awfully bored in a class, because the ticking is the only thing I could hear.

I thought about the metal in my phone case and I thought about making small lines on my wrist. For Luke, of course. I wouldn't be able to get him unless I really committed to this whole self-harm situation. I didn't need to do it, of course. Like not an overwhelming need.

I am trying to prove a point to myself with a small voice of argument in my head. I should feel proud of myself.

I raise my hand slightly and the teacher almost sighs, "Ashton?"

"I need to go pee. It will take me two minutes, tops. Is that okay?" I sarcastically joke, receiving a few chuckles from some students in the classroom.

He points to the door and I grab my phone, heading out into the hallway. I thought about Luke as I entered the empty boy's room. I go into the same stall as Wednesday and lock it shut. I take my phone case off, silently praising the cooling weather because I had sleeves covering my arms. I lift up one of my sleeves, holding the thin metal in my hand. I make one slice, knowing I had to do this quick or else people - including the teacher - would get suspicious of my actions.

I hear someone enter the bathroom and I hold my breath but I hear his voice. "Ashton and you okay? Open up."

"Go away." I tell him but then he gently knocks on the metallic stall door and it causes me to smile. 

I hear someone else walk in and I am quiet again. "Luke what are you doing?" I hear another familiar voice. 

Michael Clifford.

"Nothing." He claims and I wait for Michael to leave.

"Ashton's in there, isn't he? What the fuck are you up to, Irwin?" I hear an angered voice and a rougher knock on the door. I don't respond and make a couple more slices, trying to tune out what was going on around me. I hear someone leave and I sigh in relief.

"Thanks for not telling him." I thank Luke.

"Telling me what, Irwin?" I hear and I curse myself. Why didn't I ask who was there? Before I could do anything I see hands on top of the door and coloured hair look over. "Holy fuck." Michael curses, my wrist stuck out over the toilet; dripping the crimson liquid into the toilet water. 

I try to think of a way to seem ashamed of what I was doing. "Look, Michael-"

"You don't even know Luke yet you're somehow manipulating him. I have been thinking about how you've been doing it and now I know. You've been slicing yourself up to grasp his attention! I applaud you for taking the next step in your attention seeker ways." Michael tells me, dropping back down to the floor and no longer hovering above me. I put some toilet paper on my wrist to dry to small amount of blood up and roll down my sleeve, covering the fake hurt. I drop the slightly bloodied material into the toilet and put the metal back into my phone case.

I get out of the stall and see Michael leaning up against the sink. "I am not doing this for attention." 

"Then tell me, why does Luke know? Not anybody you're close to? Luke is taking pity on you and you're feeding off of it. You love being the center of attention and you can't have it any other way. Luke has his own issues." Michael snaps, glaring at me.

I felt myself shaking in anger as Michael shoves past me, leaving the restroom.

I throw my fist in the mirror, watching the glass shatter and create a loud sound. Michael stops in his tracks and stares at me with wide eyes. My knuckle was bleeding and my cuts were throbbing. I punch the broken glass again and let out an angered scream. I tugged at my hair and let out another pained scream of frustration. "He doesn't fucking notice me!" I yell out, throwing my fist to the painted brick wall; hearing a loud pop, presumably my knuckle breaking. "I just want to be fucking noticed, god fucking dammit!" I yell out again, throwing my broken knuckle into the wall again. I watch as it gets distorted and unable to create another proper fist. I leaned against the wall, slowly scaling down it as tears run down my face. I yell out a few more profanities in angered emotional pain.

I stood there in silence as he left.