Wanted!

Chapter 19: Birth

Two Months Later

I lie in our bed just staring up at the ceiling. That's all I ever seem to do lately. I can't make myself get up and do anything with the pack. Mary has tried to get me to go out with her to buy some more clothes for little James, but I can't make myself get out of this bed for longer than it takes me to shower and brush my teeth. Food is brought to my room, but I only eat enough to get by for the baby. I'm not hungry... I'm not anything anymore.

Randy and Jason have been taking care of everything dealing with the pack. I haven't seen much of them since everything happened. Randy assured me he would handle things while I pull myself out of this. But as more time goes on, the deeper I seem to go. There is no getting out of this. This numbness, this darkness I feel, is forever. I'm slowly coming to accept that.

It's been two months. Two long, excruciatingly painful months without Mason here and every day the pain just gets worse. I don't want to live like this, but all the will I had is gone with my mate. If I wasn't pregnant, I'm almost positive I would have died by now. The only thing my wolf is holding onto is the fact that we have a part of Mason growing within us. Ace stayed for a couple of weeks - much to Jason's irritation - and helped Randy get things settled, but he had to get back to his own pack. He'd already put off going far longer than he should have. He told me he's only a phone call away if I ever needed his help with anything. I know this is all coming out of the guilt he's feeling about Mason. He feels responsible for not being able to bring Mason home, but his guilt does nothing for me.

Both Emma and Randy have been over to the house, trying everything they can to get me to come interact with the pack... but I just can't bring myself to do it. Everyone keeps repeating how the pack needs their Luna right now because we are all mourning the sudden loss of our Alpha, but how can I go out there and act strong for all those people when I can't even do it for myself? I'm broken inside. There is not a piece of me that isn't shattered. How am I expected to listen to all of them talking about how much they miss him when it's my mate that's gone? They all had so much time with him, while my forever was cut short. Because of me. I just can't do it.

I'm going to be giving birth soon, the doctor told me any day now actually. That's the only thing keeping me going these days. This grief is so overwhelming that my only hope for pulling myself out will be seeing my baby girl for the first time. If there is anything in this world that could save me at this point, it's going to be her. She's the last thing I will ever have of Mason. Knowing that something that Mason helped make is going to be with me again, helps me deal with the fact that he isn't coming home.

I don't know where he is, but I know he's not dead. I know it in my heart. Our connection is still too strong for this to simply be my wolf holding onto it through the baby. Everyone keeps telling me that it's all in my head, that I'm just not ready to accept that he's gone, but they're wrong. He's alive. I know he is.

But if I'm right, if he's not dead... then where is he? Why hasn't he come home to me? Why hasn't he come home to see his daughter being born? Why hasn't he come home to take care of his pack? If I'm right, what could possibly be more important than him not coming home. Part of me wishes I could accept he was gone, because maybe then I would be able to eventually pull myself through. But knowing he's out there, feeling him... it just makes everything that much more confusing and harder. I feel like crying, but there aren't any tears left to cry. There's no emotion left in me.

"Alaina?" Mary's voice echoes through the room as she lets herself in. I hear James fussing in her arms, but I don't move from my spot on Mason's side of the bed. His scent is already starting to fade. I don't want to leave this spot and come back to his scent being gone for good. I don't want to lose this part of him too. "Alaina, could you watch James for me, please? I have to go help Brandon with something and there isn't anyone else to watch him for me." She comes further into my room without my invitation. I do my best to hide my irritation.