The boy who knew too much (BoyxBoy)

chapter 15: thoughts

There's something to be said about how an extreme infatuation with someone can make you completely oblivious to the rest of the world. You only have eyes for that person, nothing else, because it seems like that person is the only one that matters. Your world begins to revolve around them, and only them. You crave their attention so badly that you don't care how you get it; you'll do whatever it takes to get make them notice you without even considering the consequences.

And when it all backfires, when that person chews you up and spits you out, and doesn't even feel the slightest bit of remorse for it, the heartache you feel becomes the sole thing defining you. You might still have eyes for that person, but their clouded with the tears of the pain they caused you. Your other emotions seemed veiled and weak compared to the intensity of it, so you don't feel as if you have any other emotions. It starts to be all you can think about. You don't notice the changes taking place around you until they've already happened, because you don't care enough.

When your heart's broken, there are only two things you care about: yourself, and the person who did the breaking.

I know this from firsthand experience. For two weeks after William left me in that clearing, that was exactly how I felt. My heartbreak and he were all important; I noticed nothing else. It isn't until now, after the pain has numbed a little, that I'm realizing just how much I missed, and it's been a lot.

One of the things (and probably the most drastic) I've missed is that my rather public coming out began a trend. Kids from almost every clique have been revealing that they're gay, bi, or whatever, and have been forming their own non-heterosexual groups. I want to say I'm proud for starting this, but I can't. I wouldn't even have noticed if it wasn't for Alex pointing it out to me.

I know I said I came out because I was sick of pretending to be someone I wasn't, but I see now that I was lying to myself. I only wanted to be noticed, to stand out like William did, and that was why I did it. All these other kids, though...they are actually doing it for themselves. Yeah, I may have been the first to do it, and people might think I'm brave for that reason, but these other kids have, by far, more courage and morality than I probably ever will.

And to be perfectly honest, while I say that the pain is numbing a bit, I'm still kind of caught up in it. I wish I knew how to let it all unfurl so I could just be done with it and move on. I mean, everything with William is broken remnants now, I've realized there's no putting the pieces back together after what he said in that classroom. It's just...a part of me won't and doesn't want to move on, even though the majority of myself wants to let go so badly.

I'm trying to live like this, to live alone, but it's so hard. There's only so much loneliness you can take before it starts to get to you, and then it gets to the point where you just don't want to be lonely alone, if that makes sense. I know that I didn't really have anyone before William, except for a few flings that never really lasted because of how I had to keep them under wraps, and I used to be okay with it. Now though, I'm not. I wish I could tell the difference between now and then, but I can't.

Well, wait...

Maybe the difference is that, for William, I had to give up my defenses more than I ever had before. And once you get rid of those, it's next to impossible to build them back up. I kept thinking that I was invincible and would be even more so with William, but the truth is, I'm only human. Like everybody else.

I let myself fall too hard and too fast for William. It was foolish of me, and I really only have myself to blame, though I do wonder what part God has been playing in this. Is it because of Him that I'm like this? Will it be this way for the rest of my life?

If so, then God is a bitter man, and I don't want to rely on him anymore. This is not a play; this is my life. I don't want my fate in His hands if all I'll ever be in them is a lonely heart. I'll take my bow early if that's the case.

But I think things are beginning to change now. In me and in everyone else. And once they change, they can't go back, that's one fact I know for certain now. I can't ever go back to who I was pretending to be, and William and I can't ever go back to how things were before they fell apart. Besides, if William was telling me the truth in the classroom, 'before' was all a pretense anyway.

It's time to let go. I know it's going to take a while, but I'll manage it. I'll keep telling myself to smile like I mean it until I actually do. In any other world, it would be easier, but this is reality and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I'm changing, and so is everything else. I have to say goodbye to the Michael I thought I was and the world I thought I lived in, because both no longer exist.

Because saying goodbye is the only way I'll ever truly be able to move on.