The boy who knew too much (BoyxBoy)

chapter 13: Happy ending?

It's been a few days since Alex came and got me from the park. I've pretty much been in a permanent daze since. It's hard to describe, but nothing feels real anymore. Well, no. That's not true, how I feel still feels real. I still feel like shit; I still feel empty; I still feel lost. And all those feelings are amplified because I'm indifferent to mostly everything else.

Alex says I've been like a zombie that past couple of days, but I have to disagree with him. I'd say I've been more like a robot, doing things because I have to, without really thinking too much about them. Basically, the last few days have consisted of stumbling out of bed; barely eating; sitting in class, unable to pay attention because I'm too busy staring at a wall, wallowing; wandering around aimlessly; and feeling like absolute shit.

I know you can't get love without sacrifice, but this doesn't seem fair. Going through this emotional torture for just spending that short of a time being with William is not an equal trade. I had a little bit of heaven, but now I have this...this...this hell.

I wasted all that time with him for nothing, and I'm still wasting time thinking about him and pining for him to miraculously come back to me. I wish I could stop, but I can't...I've tried. A part of me still loves him, and I think a part of me always will.

The worst part about it is I want him to be happy. Even though I'm incredibly miserable, and should hate him for what he did to me, I hope everything goes well for him. I'm an idiot, I know.

Trust me, I know better than anybody.

I glance at the clock on the wall. It's 2 o'clock in the morning, and I am once again walking pointlessly around my house because I can't sleep. I haven't been able to for almost a week now, since every time I lay down, I get something on my mind that prevents from getting any rest. Tonight it was how William doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore. Whenever he sees me in the halls at school, he just turns away without any expression on his face.

He completely ignores me.

Rubbing my face tiredly, I head back upstairs to my room. I really need to get to sleep. I still have school tomorrow and I'm already out of it enough as it is, I don't need to make things worse by being sleep-deprived, too. The only thing is...how do I do it?

It's not really a question, because I already know. I just hate it's the answer. It makes me feel so pathetic and makes my heart feel like it's breaking all over again. But I know I don't have any other choice if I want to get to sleep.

I crawl under my covers and curl up next to my pillow, hugging it. As I close my eyes, I pretend it's William. I pretend that nothing ever went wrong with us, that we just carried on from the clearing instead of what really happened. I know it's horrible, and it hurts, but...it works.

I'm asleep within a few minutes.

The next day at school, I'm on my way to the cafeteria for lunch when I spot William talking with Audrey in the hallway. I stop and stare at him for a moment, a million different emotions coursing through me at once.

It's been about a week since I woke up without William in the clearing, and I'm honestly not feeling much better than I did then. I wonder if I ever will, because this is the way he left me, with no hope, no love, and no glory, like I had originally thought there would be when I first saw him. Everything with him has been a pretense. How do you recover from something like that?

Something suddenly clicks in my mind.

Maybe...maybe what I need to do is confront him about it. Maybe if I just knew why he did all of this, then I'd be able to move on. Maybe if I just talked to him, things could be okay. No, I'm not naïve enough to think it'll be like it was before; I know it won't. I know we'll live the rest of our lives, just not together. I know that I'll never have my happy ending with him, despite how much it kills me to admit.

But I really do think I need to know why if I'm ever going to get over this. I think I deserve an explanation from him. The least he could do after what he did to me is tell me why he couldn't give me even a little bit of love when the way that I loved him was like I would forever. And then I'll be able to move on.

Hopefully.

Resolved, I take a deep breath and head over to William.