To Be Patient

Chapter 25

In a second my world slowed right down, my eyes went from Christoph and Hally in each others’ arms faces to the doctor’s grave face- I stood slowly as Christoph and Hally did. The doctor stood so he could see all of us and before he said anything Hally wailed and started sobbing again, “I- I’m sorry to inform you… Your son Landon, he died. Mr and Mrs Carter, I am so sorry for your loss, if there is anything…” His voice trailed off into the numb feeling that swept over me.

I watched Hally fall to the ground, I wasn’t sure if she was screaming… I couldn’t hear anything apart from Kissing You Goodbye playing over and over in my head, Christoph held Hally and tried calming her down but his own tears were streaming down his face. I swallowed… I wasn’t sure whether my heart was working right because it ached as I knelt down and hugged both of them, I looked over their shoulders at the clean walls before handing Christoph Landon’s iPod and getting to my feet.

I didn’t say anything else before I was walking away, I heard Christoph say my name but it didn’t register and I just kept walking. I kept walking and walking and walking. It was like yesterday in rewind, like I now knew what I was going to see and I wanted to undo it. If I just walked the same tracks… It would all go back to normal… Landon wasn’t dead.

After a long walk I sat at my desk in my English class, right in the middle. Miss MacDowell paused halfway through writing some well known phrases through English literature and looked at me sitting there. “Class, copy these down.” She said before walking to me, I looked up at her and she looked concerned.

   “Sorry… I forgot my books…” I mumbled.

  “Alis... Alis, what happened?” She asked and pulled me up from my desk and walked me outside of the class. I felt like a zombie, just doing everything but I wasn’t thinking, I kept my mind blank. “Alis?”

   “I uh… I didn’t bring my books because I came straight from the hospital…” I mumbled, everything already felt like a blur and Miss MacDowell waited for more. “I… The um… The doctor said he…” I stopped before swallowing, “Landon… He’s dead…” I said quietly. I didn’t believe it, why would I believe myself anyway?

   “Oh my lord…” Miss MacDowell hugged me and I just took it limply before she stopped and looked at me, “Alis… I will call your mom, she can come and get you…” She mumbled and I shook my head.

    “No… Don’t worry, you know... I think I’ll just walk home, I need some air…” I mumbled and before Miss MacDowell said anything else I started walking again. Away from school, I walked past my street again and past Landon’s… I wondered whether I should go and see how Paddle-Whack was going, take him for a walk maybe…

I wasn’t sure where I walked, or how long exactly or why I was walking… Maybe I was trying to find Landon, I wasn’t sure but when it started getting dark and the cold air hit my face I realised just how sore my feet were.

I looked around me, I had lost myself… I knew exactly where I was but I had lost myself, I couldn’t remember exactly who I was… I was that numb. I swallowed as I thought over everything that had happened and walked down my street in the dark.

… The doctor said Landon was dead. How was Landon dead? He had been smiling and laughing… He was Landon, Landon didn’t die… Landon couldn’t die… But… What if Landon could die? What if he was dead? When you were dead… You felt nothing, everything was gone, you couldn’t even feel that nothingness… You were gone… Landon was gone, Landon was gone and I hadn’t even told him I loved him… I hadn’t told him…

 My eyes were watery as I stepped into my house, I could hear my mom talking, she was on the phone. “-I don’t know! She’s just gone! I don’t… No… Please, just…  You have to come home, please, get on the next flight over-” She noticed me, “I need to go… She just got home.” My mom hung up and looked to me, I swallowed and started up the stairs and I only got halfway up before I started sobbing loudly and I fell to the stairs.