A/N
Oh man. Just....oh man this chapter. It killed me to write it. Don't hate me though. Silver linings and all that. Some of you readers that have been around since the first book will maybe, possibly, know what's going on. Don't ruin it for others though, no posting spoilers in the comments. If you have a guess as to what's going on, send me a pm or email. Anywho, I'm posting in the other book I've started tonight or tomorrow morning so any of you that read that one, keep an eye out for it.
And always remember: vote, comment, fan and all that. But only if you enjoyed the chapter.
June 10th, 2013
Journal,
What to say. What to do. I go about my daily chores. I wake...I eat...I weed, water and gather. There's no point in giving up completely when there are so many other mouths to feed.
I hear them all. Mourning, crying, hating what our lives have become. It is what it is though. There's no changing anything. There's no saving anyone. We all die, in the end.
I've lost too much. Seen so much more terror than anyone ever should. I'm broken; I'm lost and there's no coming back. My whole family. Two loves, lost cruelly to the manic world just outside the front door. I'm an orphan. I'm a widow. I'm a failure to those who count on me.
If I can't save the woman I love....if I can't give her as much as she's given me.....then who am I to call myself a man? Who am I to walk the face of this planet, alive, well, happy? I'm nothing in the grand scheme. I'm nothing without her.
Robert came by that night...I'd already gone to bed, I heard them talking about it the next morning. He was happy. He heard what had happened and still he smiled. How? Why? What right does he have to be free, what right does he have to be happy when I have nothing? Why does he get to grin when I have nothing left to grin about?
No right, no respect. No sympathy.
He took Sebastian. Needed more pilots, fighters. Connie is heartbroken. I hear her cry at night. I want so badly to comfort her but how can I do that when I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down myself? He'll be back though. She'll still get her happily ever after, in the end.
What do I get? A heart, ripped to shreds. A soul, broken beyond repair.
I've steered clear of everyone the last few days. They try to talk to me but I'm afraid to speak. The first tones out of my mouth will be cracked, weak. Empty.
I can't look them in the eye. I know the pain in them will mirror my own.
I fill my days with busy work. Try to keep my mind clear of the waking nightmares. Outside all day, hands constantly at work, mind always set on the next task. When the sun falls it's straight inside. I grab my dinner and take it to my room. Eventually, maybe, I'll be able to stand being around the others.
Although the girls have become quite efficient in the post apocalyptic kitchen, it all tastes like paper to me. I can't ever finish it. I have no appetite and the small bites I manage to choke down aren't for the taste, the hunger. They're just sustenance to carry me on through my next day of chores.
I searched the spot I saw her go down. I went the very next day, as soon as it was light enough to see clearly. She needed a proper burial. A beautiful resting place like Karen. I found it easily enough. A scattered, uneven trail led me to the larger puddle staining the grasses where her body should have been. Key words - should have. I looked frantically around. I searched the nearby trees and strained my eyes looking out at the flat land around me. There was nowhere she could have hidden. There was no way she could have hidden. Not with that much blood loss.
What could have taken her body? Was it the man who murdered her? A hungry animal? A rotting, soulless infected, scavenging for an easy meal? Why couldn't I have just had her body? A bit of closure for the painful ordeal?
Why bother living when there's nothing left to live for? My so called family? I do love them, don't get me wrong but I need to cut myself off. I need to get out of this place before I lose them too.
It's not a matter of IF they're going to die but WHEN. How long before another horde comes? How long before another facility pops up and they go hunting for prey? There's no stopping this. There's no saving the world now.
I'm leaving soon. After all the crops are grown and harvested and the house and land around is secured, reinforced. I'm taking the duffle bag I've already filled with clothes and my machete and I'm going back to my solitary life. I won't watch anyone die again. I won't get attached again. It's every man for himself now.
I've not told them my plans and I won't say goodbye when it's time, they'll only try to make me stay. They'll be okay. They have Boyd, he's one tough old man. None of the girls are pushovers themselves.
Oliver, my buddy Ollie. He'll be okay, I know it. He's growing so damn quick it's unbelievable. He's smart, a genius and when he's fully grown he'll be a force to be reckoned with. He'll protect them. I wanted to see him grow up. See what he became.
I watch him while I work. I know he understands what's going on. I know he knows another one of us is gone. It's not fair that he has to see grow up in thus. It's cruel that he'll never get a childhood. I pray he doesn't grow up bitter, cynical. I can't see the girls letting that happen, Boyd either. They can see the silver lining on any cloud. They're resilient. They're stronger than me and I'd love to be like them - able to get through anything but I can't. I just can't bring myself to care anymore.
I have to go start my chores now. In just another few weeks all the crops will be ready. They'll have another couple of chickens to add to their brood. I'll have the garage converted into another safehouse, a panic room you could say. I'll raid the town before I go. Get anything and everything other looters haven't taken. Medicines, dried goods, clothes to suit the coming seasons. I have to at least leave them with something. A final gift, a final apology before I'm gone.
Maybe someday we'll all cross paths again. Or maybe we'll all just die.
