If you haven't read the previous chapter already, I'd advise you to do so. c:
When I finally come to, I'm back in my room with the thin white curtains and the chair bolted down to the ground that nobody ever sits in. My books, the ones that Nichole brought me, sit untouched on the nightstand by my bed, worn out spines staring back at me as if waiting for something, anything.
Sitting on top of Howl and Other Poems is a set of two pills on a paper plate, a cup of water sitting right next to it. But propped on that cup of water, facing me, is that polaroid from sophomore year, looking crisp like the first day I got it.
I stare at it for a long moment, stupidly stunned and rubbing my eyes every few seconds to see if it'll fade like a dream. But it doesn't. The two boys trapped in the frame are still smiling just as bright, possibly even more, with heads fused together and arms slung across the other's shoulders. It baffles me that I'm not crying yet. I don't think I feel anything, to be honest, and it may just be the sedatives or the Taser but I'd like to think it's me. He shouldn't matter anymore, not like he did back in that photograph. So I grab the photo roughly, spilling the water, and slam it face down on the bed.
There's a small note taped on the other side, signed by the front desk. Left for Holden O'Donovan by Casper Jeong, room 228. I peel it off slowly just for something to do, something to take my mind off of it, but instead meet a few words scribbled in Casper's handwriting at the back of the photo.
Here are four things I know for sure:
1. I was named king at a prom I never got to attend.
2. I can finally say I've dated someone crazy and honestly mean it, too.
3. Nobody, not even me, will ever understand why I still think of us.
4. Fuck you.
Sincerely, Cas.
That, I guess, must've been the breaking point for me because suddenly there's tears in my eyes, and I feel stupid for it but I can't stop. I really can't. They roll off the photo and stain the bed sheets like rain droplets, going faster and faster until I'm wailing like I'm four again.
It must've been loud because I hear thundering footsteps entering my room and hands reaching out and touching me, several of them, and it freaks me out to the point where the wails sound more like screams. But what am I screaming for? Who am I crying for? For him? Me? Everyone I've ever fucked over?
Voices are yelling something at me—I see mouths moving and lips spewing spit, but I can't hear them. Hell, I can't even hear myself. My body's just fighting for freedom and my mind, well, my mind is done. It's over.
It's over.
And I guess that's what makes me quit all the fuss, that bitter realisation that It's all over. I've lost the game. Nichole's hopes of becoming my mother are futile. Williams's dreams of me meeting someone new, starting a family, and growing old are just dreams, really. And Casper—
Fuck.
He'll never forget me. No matter how hard he tries.
It is my fault, I'm aware of that now. All of it is my fault because I didn't play the game right. That's all there is to it. I didn't play the game right, but next time I'll know better. Next time I'll be smarter, wiser. Just like she said.
And to think that in a few years, I could be someone else's Holden again. A better Holden. A greater Holden.
Hell, I bet I could be.
END OF PART 5.
A/N: And thus concludes Disequilibrium. If anyone were to tell me I'd be writing a book of more than forty chapters last year, I really don't think I would've believed them. But here I am with a completed book of 57 chapters, minus the interludes.
I honestly couldn't have done it without any of you, and I know many people in the world say that, but I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. If it weren't for all the comments and messages on my feed and PMs and artwork and all the other amazing things you guys have done, I most likely would've dropped this book so quick. But because of you I pushed on to the end, and for that I'm so grateful.
I hope you guys have a fantastic new year! I'll be in planning for my next novel Whatever, Nevermind, and I hope to see all you wonderful people there as well when I finally get the chapters going. :D Once again, thank you so much. I love you.
Oh, and dedicated to BluexRobin for being such an awesome friend and for helping me through this <3
YOU ARE READING
Disequilibrium
Mystery / Thriller[A psychological thriller] When you can't even pay for a bottle of water, you might want a friend like Casper. This may be hard considering he's the God-given prophet of Seabrook high; the type of kid who offers existential philosophies on a Monday...
