Disequilibrium

Part 3: Junior Year - Scene 3

If one were to ask how the hell I got myself into a high school party, I wouldn't know what to say. I mean, it's not like I want to be here. I barely know half these people, but I guess I've gotten used to doing shit I don't like. For him.

There are a lot of people on the beach. I don't think Casper knows this many people, but we haven't been on speaking terms for me to ask. It's kind of obvious that he's still a little pissed at me. I mean, he'd be near, often stealing glances while he talks to other people. But whenever I try to make a move, he's gone. Like he never even existed.

There are blankets spread around a bonfire, and I'm stuck sitting on one with a group of two other people, including Anila. Man, she had a kick when she saw me. I don't even know who the hell invited her, and she keeps trying to tell me, but I really don't care. I'm just thinking about him.

There are people dancing to music blasting on the speakers. From where I'm sitting, I can see the way bodies are pressed and grinding against each other to the beat. Everyone's skin is glistening with sweat, making them look almost enchanting if you ignore that most of them are pretty wasted or high.

Casper's weaving through the bodies like a pro, striking up conversation and ending it faster than I can blink. I can tell he's a little drunk. There's spiked drinks floating around even though it's illegal, and I can't help wondering when the cops will show up and bust us all. His parents will have his head. I know that for sure.

"So," Anila says, her mouth close to my ear. Was she talking this whole time? "What have you been up to since school? You went MIA after the last day; I felt kind of hurt."

She's smiling, but I can tell it isn't a joke. I shrug. "I've just been hanging around, I guess."

"Tell me more." Anila shifts her body so she's kind of facing me, still looking with those big eyes of wonder. "What do you do when you hang out?"

I shrug again. I don't know if this is a teenage thing—shrugging. It seems to be all I can do lately. "I don't know. Just...stuff."

She slouches a little. "Stuff."

"Yeah. Stuff."

"You don't like me, do you?"

I blink, finally giving her a real look. She has this hard face on; one I've never seen her use before. The smile is gone and her lips are in a tight line, eyes begging me to lie. "Who said that?"

"You did. Well, not directly, but I can hear it in the tone of your voice. You don't like me. Just tell me now and I'll leave you alone."

I sigh and scratch my head. "I'm just bored, I guess. I'm bored, I'm irritated, and you're just making it worse. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

That's something Dad lectured me about when I was little. My honesty. He said sometimes it's better to lie to people because being blunt will leave you friendless. You're smart, Holden. You've got to see what'll benefit you in the situation, he always said. What will keep you happy? Lying or telling the truth?

Anila's got nothing to offer at the moment. I know that now. I mean, sure she has money, but I can't get my mind off him enough to think about other things. She's staring, not blinking, with her mouth agape. She looks like I just told her I killed her dog. I might as well have, to be honest.

Suddenly, Anila puts on one of her brilliant smiles again like I had said nothing. "That's okay," she says, and gets up. "I'll just sit over there, I guess. That's okay. I hope you have fun for the rest of the night."

She walks off before I can give her a response. She doesn't go very far; just to a vacant blanket in front of me. She sits quietly, staring off into the fire. Dazed. I know I should feel bad but I can't. I just can't.