Disequilibrium

Part 4: Senior Year - Scene 6

Winter

Today is my birthday, but Casper hasn't said much about it other than a humble greeting before first period. And I guess I shouldn't expect much out of him but I can't help feeling pissed about the whole thing. Morning. Good morning. How are you? Good, how are you? I mean, what kind of shit is that? But I still smile and kiss him and hold his hand like nothing's the matter.

Like everything's not cracking little by little right in front of our eyes.

And I guess we put on quite a show because nobody else seems to notice. His friends still call us cute. Winston isn't himself anymore to give proper judgement. The only ones who notice the collapse are Casper and me, and we're too busy sweeping the broken pieces in the dark to even bother to fix it.

I never really gave a damn about my birthday until now. It was always Casper or Nichole who made a big deal about it, and now they're gone. Even Dad would sometimes break out the old album and tell me about the day I came out—and how he fainted on the hospital floor—but even he hasn't been around lately. So I guess I've got to be excited for all three of them. Yeah, that's it. I'll just play along.

I make it through the day with that semi-content look on my face. The halls are sort of gloomy because of exam season, but I'm not letting it get to me. I'm making plans in my head like they actually matter as I walk to my locker, but they all stop as soon as I see him standing there. He already has his coat on and everything, leaning against the metal while swinging his car keys on one finger.

He only stops swinging the keys once I grab my lock and twist the dial. He stands staring at me for a little, some absent look on his face before he says, "So, eighteen, huh?"

I smile a little. "You remembered."

"Think I'd forget?" He shifts a little while I grab my coat. "What do you want? I'll take you out. Or if you don't like that, my parents are still away on that trip so you can come by and we can watch a movie or something—"

"My place?" I say, not because I don't want to go to his but because I know he doesn't want me a mile near his house. I don't know why, but it's not like I'll be asking him anytime soon. "We'll figure out what to do there."

Casper nods and waits for me to zip up, and soon enough, we're piling in the small car his dad got for him with winter biting our asses and the heater kissing our cheeks.

We don't say much on the way there. We never do. But today is my birthday, so I tell him, "I've dreamt of this many times, you know."

His eyes don't move from the road. "Of what?"

"This. Being eighteen. Driving. I always thought of the day where we'd be adults and nobody could tell us shit, you know? Where I'd have my own car, and I'd be able to drive off anywhere with you and not look back. Stupid things like that."

"That's a nice thought," he says.

"It was stupid. I don't even know why I'm telling you."

"It's not stupid." He steals a glance. "You're just a dreamer, that's all."

That's just his nice way of letting me know it's not going to happen.

We keep quiet all the way to the trailer park after that. Casper parks the car in the perfect way he always does and we pile out, sprinting across the snow to get inside. I struggle with the key for a little until I manage to get the door open and we both push in all at once, slamming the door closed like we're running away from something. I guess we are.

Casper gets settled in the living room while I head over to the kitchen, looking for something suitable to make.

"We can order something," Casper says. He's flipping through the channels for a movie.