i wish yesterday never happened. i wish zayn and kyle never saw me break down, i really hope zayn never told the boys but i'm sure he did. i had no choice but to get up and get ready for today, the boys had yet another concert tonight but its in a different country. currently we were in france, and boy was i ready to leave, people always connect france with romance and love but all i could think about was what i did. i was so glad to know we'd be leaving this awful place.
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after getting dressed i pack up all my stuff and bring it onto the bus each of the boys were doing the same, they were very excited to get back to the tour. i really did feel bad for making them take time off because of me. they loved being on tour and they loved their fans so much, i could tell they wanted to get back to it. i put my airpods in and hit shuffle on my phone before laying down on one of the couches to take a nap.
when i woke up there was so much happening. liam and zayn were yelling at each other over the game they were playing, harry was on the phone with his girlfriend also yelling at her. louis was trying to get the bus driver to stop for food, which we knew he wouldn't do since the boys are always on a tight schedule when we travel. niall was sitting next to me also watching what's happening.
"well good morning love."he said smiling at me, i smiled back at him
"i'm good, i think i need to go back to the doctor though."
"why do you say that honey." he said while pulling me into a side hug
"my happy pills are working the way they used to." i said playing with hands
"i'll make sure to have liam make an appointment." he says i give a soft smile leaning my head on his shoulder we were still an hour away from wherever we were headed, i honestly stopped keeping track of where we went i didn't really care. all i knew was australia was the last stop before we went back to america. god i couldn't wait to go home. i missed my friends, but honestly i wasn't even sure if i still had my friends, i mean of course i had jake but sam and fin were together now. sam cheated on jake too so could i still be friends with both of them? i stood up and went to lay in one of the bunks i pulled out my phone and called sam.
"hey." she said so planely, we never answered our call like this
"hey, was just calling to see how everything was." i could totally hear fin playing video games in the background
"things are good, im sure you heard about fin and i." she seemed annoyed
"uh yeah jake told me."
"no surprise there." i could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
"what's that supposed to mean?"
"you don't think i knew that you and jake always had feelings for each other? i could see it every fucking time we all hang out. the way he looked at you? he's basically in love with you."
"okay? what was i supposed to do sam? i was always the one who shut things down. and jake never tried anything with me when you two were together he still loved you."
"whatever. just stay away from me and stay away from fin. he's mine now got it."
"literally fuck off bitch." i said and hung up with her. i immediately facetimed jake.
"jake." i said seriously as soon as i saw his smiling face
"yes ma'am that's me!"
"i just got off the phone with sam. she cheated on you with fin to get back at you and i for having old feelings for each other." he just kind of stared at me for a minute
"she knew nothing was ever gonna happen between you and i we've talked about this so many times." he said
"i know. and she told me to never talk to her or fin again and i hung up on her."
"she's mad dumb." he said rolling his eyes i nod. we talked for a bit before the bus pulled up to another hotel. jake and i said our goodbyes before we hung up the phone and i started to grab my stuff. the tour manager came and gave us all our room cards. I made my way up to my room and dropping my things inside my bedroom before grabbing my wallet and keys. I looked up the closest store from the hotel and called an Uber. Once I got to the store I walked inside inspecting everything. I could see people staring at me. I knew how the press were, I wasn't stupid. Middle aged men and women were taking pictures of me shopping trying to pretend it wasn't obvious. This would be harder than I thought, I picked up a couple of notebooks and some pens and pencils and some pencil sharpeners. Finally I picked up some random snacks and drinks before making my way up to pay.
Finally I made it back to the hotel after people were following me on the streets. How do the boys do this? I made my way up to my room throwing the bags on the floor. I pulled out one of the sharpeners, that's really all I needed. I walked into the bathroom before locking the door, I broke the plastic off before picking up the thin metal. I've done this so many times before. How did I fuck up so damn bad last time, I brought the metal to my skin not pushing nearly as hard as last time. i gasped when my skin split in two my head felt dizzy but in a good way. i put the blade down i picked myself off of the bathroom floor and looked at myself in the mirror tears fell from my eyes but i wiped them away. i cleaned up my mess, just like i always did in the past. i was so mentally drained but the boys had a concert tonight and i didnt want to worry them. i pulled myself out of my thoughts and walked back into my bedroom, i changed into something a bit more edgy. my head was starting to spin, i knew i needed to eat something and yet, my head told me not to. things are getting bad and i dont have the energy to fight it anymore. i grab a water from the fridge before grabbing my purse and running to meet the boys before we all got in a car to head to the arena.
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word, so i've been editing this book a lot and i know it's been hella slow but i promise it's worth it. i've been rereading it and i cannot fathom how terrible of a writer i used to be
