upside down

chapter sixteen

I woke up the next morning around nine, i threw on some leggings and a large sweater before grabbing my penny board and my wallet. i texted the group chat saying i was going for coffee and i asked what everyone wanted. as i made my way to the Starbucks down the road i noticed random people taking pictures of me, and not just teenagers but like older men and women. i of course knew that they were paparazzi but it was still really creepy. i tried to ignore them the best i could but they kept getting closer to me and some people were asking me questions and i didn't know how to answer them. i sighed in relief when i made it inside the coffee shop i ordered they boys their drinks i did not think this through. how am i supposed to carry all this coffee back on my penny board? ugh what am i gonna do i was about to drop my own coffee when someone caught it just as it slipped out of my hand.

"shit! thank you!" i looked up and saw Kyle,

"no problem! i'm surprised to see you out by yourself after everything that happened." Kyle said, wow. The boys told me nobody knew that i was in the hospital.

"yeah." i said grabbing my coffee from him and walking out without saying anything else. what the actual fuck. who just says that to someone, especially after everything that actually happened, how could the boys lie to me about this! that's kinda something i should know right! i'm mad frustrated now when i get back to the hotel i drop off coffee to the boys not saying much to any of them. i went back to my room and crawled back into my bed. my dark and twisty mood came out, i guess my happy pills don't always work. i sat there and just cried for absolutely no reason, i mean i guess there was a reason, i didn't want anyone to know why i was in the hospital or at least at all. i hated knowing the others knew i was weak, i heard a knock on my door, i wiped my eyes and got up to answer the door. i figured it was one of the boys checking up on me but boy was i wrong, it was Kyle. dude what is up with this kid!

"hey i'm sorry if i said something to upset you earlier but you also left your board at the coffee shop." he said as i let him in my room. i laughed

"you're sorry? who just randomly says that to someone that was in the hospital? i'm trying to forget that i ever fucked up enough to end up there and you thought that was a good conversation starter? the boys are always up my ass now because they think i'm going to hurt myself again so the little time i get to go out and be alone i don't want to be reminded that i now have five guys worried that they're gonna lose me. i feel SO terrible that i put them through that pain. but yeah i totally accept your apology." i rolled my eyes. Kyle look really confused as he set my penny board on the coffee table

"what are you talking about? i didn't know any of that! i would never rub that in someones face." what? now i was confused

"you said you were surprised i got to go out after everything that happened."

"i meant after the boys announced that they adopted you. the boys never told anyone that you were in the hospital." my face paled i just told a random stranger that i was hospitalized how stupid am i.

"oh." was all i could say i felt like crying again why am i like this. why cant i get my shit together anymore. i was doing so fucking well, i was so fucking happy and then everything got so fucked up. i sat down on my couch i felt like i couldn't breathe again, my head was spinning i knew i was having another anxiety attack but i was trying to stay calm

"are you okay?" Kyle asked me

"you should go now." i said trying to catch my breath i don't think this kid wants to see me freak the fuck out.

"i'm sorry but i don't think i should leave you alone right now. you look like you're about to have a panic attack." i fucking laughed and at the same time i started to cry

"really! what makes you say that!"i slid onto the floor and brought my knees to my chest and started to sob but i couldn't get enough air into my lungs and started coughing. Kyle came down and sat down facing me.

"hey, hey look at me. just look at me." i squeezed my eyes closed tightly before opening them and slowly looking at Kyle. i was still coughing hard my head felt so heavy. "that a girl!" hey said smiling at me. i held onto the edge of my sleeves tightly i just wanted to hurt myself again.

"please leave." i cried out. look away from him

"no no look at me again. i'm gonna call one of the boys okay but just keep looking at me." he said i cried great now the boys are gonna freak out even more! i watched as he called someone to my room. i felt like time wasn't moving i felt like i wasn't even real like i was watching a movie. nothing felt right and it was terrifying i couldn't get my thoughts together and i started to hyperventilate. i thought i was gonna faint when i heard Zayn's voice

"hey hey hey sky sunshine breathe." he said to me "you're gonna be okay this is gonna pass just breathe baby." he said pulling me into a hug i tried so hard to breathe i barely could.

"Zayn" i could barely speak "my inhaler" i coughed some more

"shit its in my room. Kyle! go get it! its on the coffee table" Zayn said handing Kyle his key card.

"Ill be right back" he said leaving

"Skyler honey look at me." i looked up at him while trying to stop crying "look, look focus on me just me focus." but i couldn't focus. this was so bad i couldn't "you can do it honey focus on my voice okay close your eyes and focus on what i'm saying. you are safe okay? nothing bad is going to happen you are safe."i still couldn't breathe but i felt like i could focus again Kyle came back with my inhaler and handed it to me. i had to use it a couple of times before i felt like i could breathe again. but i couldn't stop crying why am i like this! Zayn continued to hug me and swayed us back and forth until finally i wasn't crying anymore. i felt terrible and i felt really embarrassed that Kyle and Zayn saw me like this.

"i'm gonna go take a nap." i said getting up and going into my room. today is fucking cancelled.