unspoken. | cth ✔ [EDITING]

four

"Calum? Are you okay?"

The last thing he wanted was Haley worrying about him. He didn't want Haley to be worry about anything. He wanted Haley to live in peace, without any pain and worries.

But he couldn't do that. And because he couldn't he simply marked himself as a failure.

He just nodded. He didn't talk much these days, just because he didn't want to. He didn't talk if he didn't need to. That saves a lot of energy so he could have more energy to fake a smile whenever he's hurting inside.

"Calum, say something," this made Haley worried even more. She never expected Calum to be like this.

"I'm fine," he said, his voice cracking, trying to assure himself.

"Are you sure?"

He wanted to snap at her, but it's just not kind of person Calum is. So he just nodded again. "Yeah."

"I'm not."

Calum turned his attention to her, staring at her concerned face. Her eyes showed worries and pain.

"There's something wrong, Calum."

"I'm okay."

"You're not."

"I am!"

"You're not!"

"Shut up! I know myself better!"

Haley's eyes widened. Not even once she thought that Calum would snap at her, let alone yell. Calum's eyes widened in realization of what he just did.

And there comes the guilt again.

The thing is, whenever he felt guilty, he always want to cry.

"Truth is," Haley gulped. "You don't even know who you are anymore."

Calum just glared at her, telling her to shut up. After he did so, guilt rush through him, telling him that it's wrong to glare at her. Telling him that he's a complete failure now. Telling him that someday if he keeps doing this, she'll leave and find someone else.

His breath was suddenly quickens and heavy.

But she was right. He didn't even know himself anymore. He was too sad to know who he is, to realize who he was. And it hurts because he knew what she said was true.

"I want you to be okay, Calum. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about." He snapped.

"Please."

"I'm fine!"

Haley exhaled a breath. Worries grew inside her. "I'll just take you to a psychologist then."

Calum's eyes widened. "What?"

"Calum, you-"

"I'm okay! How many times do I have to tell you, Haley?! I'm okay! I'm fine! Look at me, I'm alive, I'm breathing! And I'm not problematic!"

"... No one says you're problematic," Haley said in fear.

"You implied it."

"You're not problematic," Haley sighed. "It's okay then. We won't go to the psychologist."

It's not because Calum afraid of psychologist. He's just being in denial. He tried to assure himself that he's okay on his own, but he's not even sure about that. And the thought of psychologist just breaks him more. Now he thinks he's a problematic dude, not just a failure.

"You can go home, go back to your mom and find peace."

Calum stared at her in disbelief.

"No, I'm not kicking you out, baby. You just have to see your mom. And no, I didn't tell her about this. I don't want her to be worry," Haley smiled, as if she could read his mind.

Maybe it was right. Most of the pain he felt was because of his mean thoughts. And his mean thoughts were usually created from the feeling of not being good enough for Haley. Maybe getting away from her would be a nice idea.

But on the other side, Calum was anxious that this is the first step of Haley's plan. Who knows? She could leave him any minute and makes him even more miserable.

"You ... are you ... are you gonna leave me?" Calum asked.

Haley smiled again, shaking her head. "I won't. I love you, Calum."

Deep inside, the anxiety grew. He never want Haley to leave.

"Trust me, mother's smile is the best smile you could ever see."

*