The Sex Tape [One Direction]

Chapter 13. Maybe I Can Help You Pick Up the Pieces

STATUS: 1st EDIT

As a little kid, I would always sit at my window and stare out upon the vast sky, the way the stars danced along the heavens mesmerizing me. The sky was so full of activity and wonders, plenty of mysteries to uncover. In some way I felt connected, similar to a star. I was surrounded by millions of people who had the same aspirations as me, to live and find a happy ending to their life, to set their mark in history. To make sure that their name wouldn't be lost in translation.

But I didn't have to worry about getting lost. As time passed me by, realization set in as to what I really was. I wasn't some bright shining star full of mystic anonymity, I was the single force that could pull dreams apart and suck up every fiber of hope and faith. Since the day I was born, I was cursed with the life of a black hole, sucking in anyone and everyone who happened to cross my path.

If you take my past into account, every word I speak is in fact true. As a child, I had to be the best. On my way to the top, I had to bypass others in any means necessary. All my childhood behaviors carried over into adolescence, and then from there... I am what I am, and I wish I could go back in time and recreate a new past. One where I would be liked and respected.

As for the one I had lived, it was a dark, confusing, illusion of my own doing. It could all be blamed on me, for I control my actions and my words. In this very moment, my body feels as if it were just a static television channel, hazy and obscure to the human eye. I took tiny steps. My feet weren't walking on solid ground, but felt as if they were walking on absolutely nothing. The world that use to be deeply rooted with my feet had vanished. I was alone, lost, and confused, unsure as to if this was a dream or a dictation of the way my life now was.

In such a state of despair, my worst nightmares had now seemed to cross over into the real world, taunting me at every turn. I wish for an escape every day, but each morning as the sun beats down on my broken lifeless body, I am reminded that never could such a wish could be turned into a reality. So each day I wake up and force a smile on my face as I deal with the obscurities of life, with no choice. I have forced myself to move on, but that's the simple part. The difficult part is erasing the daunting memories with that one person you shared so much with.

Even though it had only been a few months apart, it felt like an eternity. In the weeks that passed by, a void ripped through my body, reprogramming my heart to never let myself fall for someone else again. When you know that you already lost the only person who could manage handling all your baggage, that they have given up on you, that's when you shut down all sentiments of passions that could be passed to another.

As time goes, by it serves as a never-ending reminder of the monstrosity I called life. Every night, I wish for it to stop but it never does. My life was now a joke. Millions of people knew my name and had tried to put a story behind those words, but not one person knew who I actually was. A girl that just wanted to break through this wall, one that had stopped her from letting her true inner self be portrayed. As I ran my hands over the marble countertops placed on top of the island, centered in the middle of the kitchen, a spark of change ignited itself inside my gut. A question that had been budding inside of me had finally blossomed with an answer. Why wait for change to come and find me, when I could just change for myself? All this time I had been waiting for a moment to change, when all along I should have just started it a long time ago. I don't need anyone to change but myself.

As I noticed my keys lying next to my left hand, my brain pieced together a plan. This time my heart felt as if I shouldn't leave, like the scars I've caused are too deep to heal so soon, but I had to try. I had to at least take a chance.

As I pressed harder and harder on the gas pedal, my heart beat quickened and the car passed people as I zoomed toward my destination. Finally there it was: the ticket office. I unbuckled myself, did a lot of calm breathing before I tiptoed towards the main window.