Authors note:
Well my name here is 'Double_bagger' most of you probably know the meaning.
But for those who don't it means someone who is even uglier than a bagger i.e a person who is so ugly that one would have to put a bag over their head (so as to hide their face). Not only does one put a bag over their head, one puts a bag over one's own head in case theirs falls off.
(Now its Bagger96 but I hope I have explained the meaning of bagger as well so yeah.)
I think a lot can be guessed from just the name.
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I think its about time I make some things clear to myself. Its about time I realize that I never was, am, or will be enough; never good enough, never pretty, smart, intelligent, brave, wise, beautiful enough. My hair aren't long enough, my smile isn't big and bright enough. I'm not tall enough, my eyes aren't shiny enough. My cuts aren't deep enough.
I am and have always been a failure. I'm failing in school, I'm failing in losing weight. I failed to make anyone stay. I failed to make anyone love me, choose me and miss me. I failed to be the first pick ever. I failed to make them like me. I failed as a sibling. I failed as a daughter I look at my parents, I look deeply into their eyes and realize I'm not the child they wanted, I see the shine in their eyes that appears just for a couple of seconds when they look at all those brilliant kids on screen or those of their friends.
I'm a failure from head to toe, just one massive scumbag failure I am, have been and will always be.
I'm a disgrace to everybody. I bring everybody sadness. Look at me. Fucking ugly fat disgusting trampy bitch. I don't deserve to eat or drink anything ever again. Horrible idiotic unwanted piece of scum.
How fucking dare I even breathe a single breath of air in this world.
I deserve to be stepped on, I let myself be stepped on. Yes I do cause I deserve it. I deserve darkness, I deserve suffocation, I deserve silence.
Sharpeners aren't sharpeners for me they're a release. My way out, I deserve each and every monstrous scar I gave and give myself. I deserve to walk in pain, I deserve to constantly worry about them getting reopened in the middle of people. I deserve to lose blood. I deserve all those nerve wrecking thoughts, I deserve to be eaten up by my brain. I deserve to be in constant misery, I deserve to be killed each and every second of each and every second by myself and others. I deserve to not be heard, my wishes to be left ungranted. I fucking deserve it all.
I deserve to not be liked or loved. Hell everyone deserves better than me.
I deserve to be used. A fucking cunt like me deserves to be talked shit about, to be lied to. I deserve it, I deserve people walking out of my life cause I'm a fucking fucktard who fucks everything up. I deserve to be replaced in circle of friends, I'm the awkward friend, the one who isn't funny or smart or fun to be with, the one who's not even an option let alone being the second one. The one everybody else is chosen over.
The one who's a fuck up from head to toe. I deserve to have my miserable pathetic whorish heart broken, I deserve people messing with my head and playing with my worthless feelings.
I fucking hate getting attached because in the end they're happy while I'm crying in my room at 2 a.m blaming myself for them leaving, hoping they'll come back which they never do. I don't blame any of them. I'd leave me too perhaps. I'm such a big ugly fuck up stupid slut I maybe deserve to be left.
I'm fat
I'm ugly
I'm unimportant, unwanted
I'm a failure
I'm a fucking monster
I fucking hate myself, I hate that I'm never enough, I hate that I get attached and when I do I lose myself. I hate that I'm always scared of them leaving, cause they always fucking do.
I'm a motherfucker, a motherfucking trigger for one of my best friends. Once again the one I consider my best friend, cause she doesn't consider me one. I don't know why my skanky worthless unloved unwanted self worries about her so much and keeps on fucking eating her brain by continuously checking up on her knowing that her pretty friends, worthy and beautiful enough to be her best friends are there to check up on her. Even the ones who kicked my fat swine-like ass out of their lives.
She doesn't need an ugly fucktard slutty bitch like me.
I'm disgusting, I'm wrong, all wrong. Worth shit, ugly as fuck. I'm bad, all bad. Waste of existence.
I'm nobody, never important. I'm fucking nothing so all of them fucking throwing me out of their lives like swine's shit, leaving, disappearing doesn't matter, because if they do return, which they won't ever to an ugly asshole bitch like me, but if they do they'd be returning to a nobody- who's a pathetic waste of a human being.
I'm so so so fucking done. I am not gonna go to the shrink. Don't waste your money on my unloved worthless fucking ass.
Yes this is the life I want. Because I deserve it. I deserve this pain and misery, I deeerve blood and scars. Hell I don't want life. A miserable fattest fatass bitch like me doesn't deserve it.
I'm a joke made to be laughed on. God himself laughs on me with all the others.
Everyone hates me. God does too.
I hate me more than all of them do.
