Fix it

Regrets

It was just before 12, when Stevie was sitting in the kitchen, already ready to go to their next session with Dr. Phyllis, but Lindsey was still asleep. It was so unlike him and she had started to worry. She climbed the stairs and carefully opened the bedroom door, seeing him in bed. She sat down on the edge of his side of the bed and pulled the covers away from his face. 

"Linds? Are you okay?" 

"Mm?" He mumbled, slowly opening his eyes, letting them adjust to the light. 

"I asked if you were feeling alright? Our session is an hour."

"Oh, I slept for so long?"

"Yeah." She nodded, smoothing out his curls. 

"Actually, I have a terrible headache." He sighed heavily, closing his eyes again. "I've been up for a pill, but it wouldn't go away."

"Really? Do you feel up to going still?"

"Why don't you do this one by yourself, babe?" He reached for her hand. "I know it's couple's counselling, but my head is killing me and we already have the appointment scheduled."

Stevie thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure, I guess I can go by myself. Will you be okay? I could call Karen-"

"I already have a headache, Steph." He managed a small smile, causing her to roll her eyes. 

"Fine. I'll see you later." She stood up and bent over, kissing him on the lips. "Feel better."

At the doctor's office Stevie sat waiting, flipping through magazines that she didn't really care for, but it passed the time, as she arrived early. She was relieved to be finally called in, as it was making her feel weird, being there alone.

"Where is Lindsey?" The therapist asked, having agreed on their second session to be at first name basis.

"He's unwell. We should be coming here together next week."

"I see. Well, it's good that you still chose to come by yourself. It's actually suggested speaking to the couple together and separately. How are things?"

"Things are fine. It's been a month since our first time here and it's been so great to our relationship. I asked Lindsey to make me his priority again and he absolutely did that. The rest is in the background. So, it makes me feel wonderful. I'm a lot happier."

"Happier. But are you happy?"

"Most of the time." Stevie nodded after some hesitation.

"But not always."

"No. Not when I don't keep myself busy and have time to think, remember things..."

"What are they? What can take your happiness away?"

She lowered her eyes, swallowing hard, as she felt herself tear up. "I have regrets. Well, more like, I have a regret."

"Might that be not having children?"

"Yes." She couldn't really make a sound. 

"And you wanted to? When you were younger."

"I think I always thought that there's still time. I didn't worry about it in my twenties, termination in my thirties, hope in my forties and then... then it was over before I knew it. I chose my career over being a mother."

"What about Lindsey? Did he ever say, stop, let's take a break and start a family?"

"I... No. Our relationship has always been so troubled. I was pregnant with his child, but we lost them. Then we broke up and we started seeing other people, even though we loved each other, slept together countless times, but actually having a child at that time? No, that was never brought up. Even though I think we could have made it work. Then, we got together again in the 90's, after my second time in rehab, we got married and then I was scared of trying. And I was right to feel that way..."

"You got pregnant again?"

"I did. But I was almost fifty years old by then..."

"Adoption?"

"I considered it, when I was single, but when Lindsey and I reconciled, I just couldn't imagine bringing up a child, who didn't have Lindsey's curls or his eyes."

"So, in a way, you sacrificed being a mother? It was either his or no kids?"

"Yeah, now I hear how stupid that sounds."

"It's not stupid, it's how you felt at the time. You thought you were acting the right way. And Lindsey? Do you two ever talk about it?"

"We stopped long ago. It's... it's there, you know, but it's easier to just leave it be, because one always gets blamed and there are tears and words we don't really mean."

"Maybe you should talk about it, tell him how it is you feel, the same way you told me."

"Maybe..." She trailed off, having had enough of this particular subject.

"You mentioned in the first session about Lindsey's jealousy, you called him possessive. Is it like that to this day?"

"Not as much, but... well, let's say he does not like my male friends, whom I have the most. One of the latest fall outs were over my producer. I was working on an album in 2010 and Dave was always there, the whole time and we became really great friends. To Lindsey, men and women can't just be friends, so he would start accusing me. I promised him there was nothing to worry about and then when I started working with Dave again, the same happened. I was a cheater, a slut, a whore, you name it. It was almost impossible to prove him otherwise. I told him that Dave is married and he has kids, that we're just good friends, nothing to worry about, but he never listened."

"Wasn't the man you were seeing recently also married and a father?"

"Yes, but it's different. He and I have history, we dated, we... we could have had a child together. I loved him."

"Loved?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"Was the affair purely out of lust?"

"I don't love him. The things you've heard me talk about... I'm sure it's hard to believe, but I love my husband with everything that I am. The affair was a mistake."

"Have you learned from it?"

"It nearly cost my marriage, yeah, I think I have."

"You don't have to get defensive, I'm just asking and trying to help figure out the things that happened."

"Can we... I'd like for today's session to be over."

"I can't force you to be here." The doctor said, adding. "Could you ask Lindsey to come by himself the next time?"

"I will." Stevie stood up, already imagining the slating fest same time the following week.

When Stevie came home, Lindsey was out of bed, feeling a lot better. He greeted her with a kiss and a smile, which faded quickly, seeing that her mood had changed completely comparing to before she left.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just..."

"Just what, baby? Tell me." He pulled her in a hug, feeling her relax instantly.

"Our therapist asked me whether I love Don and maybe it's why I had that affair with him and whether I've learned from it."

"Oh, that... I hope you said-"

"Of course I don't love him, Lindsey. I just hate it so much that it seems I will never get rid of what I did. I'm sorry, okay? If I could turn back time, I wouldn't choose to sleep with him, but I can't! I have to live with it now and I hate it. And who the hell does Dr. Phyllis think she is, questioning me on my feelings for you?"

"Hey... calm down. She's just doing her job. I know you love me and you don't have to keep apologizing. I liked it a lot more when you were waking me up with a smile on your face a couple of hours ago." He brushed a loose hair strand out of her eyes and pecked her on the lips. "Besides, your sour mood doesn't fit with what I've planned for us tonight." 

That piqued her interest as she looked up at him, with a childlike excitement. "And what is that exactly?"

"Now... I'm not going to tell you, am I?" He tapped the tip of her nose, winking. "It's a surprise."