rainfall | ashton irwin au | completed

thirteen

My dreams were filled with shadows and a beautiful boy with evil behind his smile and darkness behind his eyes. When I awoke for what must have been the third time that night, a dim light was pouring through the red curtains behind me and I took it as a cue to get up and make myself a hot drink. I had gotten bored of tossing and turning long ago.

I was staring out of the kitchen window into the endless depths of the forest whilst waiting for the kettle to boil when I felt my spine tingle, the indescribable sensation of being watched washing over me. I turned around quickly, expecting to find Matt's menacing expression that had etched itself into my brain after yesterday, but instead finding Ashton's soft one.

"Sorry," he spoke quietly, his tongue poking out and licking his lips nervously. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"You didn't," I lied, turning my back to him again to pour the boiled water into my mug. I stirred the tea bag absentmindedly, watching as the brown hue seeped into the water like the mist that so often lingered above the lake. I found myself missing Ivory Lake now; I always tried to avoid going to the meetings there, but now I wished I would have appreciated them more. Listening to Anna babble on whilst I sat on a log and gazed out at the lake was so much better than being locked in a house, waiting for some kind of attack.

"How are you feeling?" He pulled a chair out, wincing as it squeaked across the shiny floor, and sat down with an expectant look on his face. I finally gathered the courage to look at him, my heart sinking as I realised how tired he looked, with deep purple crescent moons under his eyes and his hair flying in all directions. I wondered whether it was out of guilt or worry that he was not sleeping.

I sighed, leaning against the marbled counter as I sipped my tea, despite it scalding my tongue and throat. "Better than yesterday, I guess."

He nodded, unable to meet my gaze. "Good."

It was strange how two days ago, we had gone to a carnival together and held hands and talked about nothing and everything all at once. Now, we couldn't even look at each other. We were just two people, stood in a kitchen as we waited for the sun to find its place in the sky, unable to say anything to one another. It made me feel unbearably sad, so I stopped thinking about it. Ashton did not have the heart that I thought he did, and for that he did not deserve my sadness.

"Can we talk about what happened?" His voice was uncertain, knowing that any conversation he would try and have with me would mean that he would be walking on eggshells.

"There's nothing to talk about." I looked at him with a  stone cold expression, despite the hammering of my heart and the sweating in my palms. I would not let him see me vulnerable again.

He stood up and took a step towards me, brushing a stray piece of his sandy coloured hair out of his eyes as he did so. "I know that you're hurt."

"I'm not hurt," I snapped quickly. "We barely even knew each other, anyway."

Guilt washed over me as he stumbled back, looking as if I had hurt him physically rather than mentally. "Is that really how you feel? Because I thought we had something-"

"We had nothing." I couldn't stop myself from spewing hurtful words, even as I saw his face crumple into disappointment and sadness.

"You know that's not true. I have feelings for you, and it's scary but I know they're real. And I know that you feel the same way."

I bit my lip, unable to answer. He inched closer again, his hot breath hitting my forehead as he cupped his hand around my cheek and brushed his thumb against my skin. I felt like my face was burning.