Cold Ashes

Chapter 21 - Playing with the Devil's Dice

Leah was at his side for another morning. She could tell that he was in pain still from the tests before; even she didn't understand what they were doing to him. But she didn't care. Hurting him was wrong - no, much more than wrong - it was complete blasphemy. He looked like he was asleep, but she could see his eyes flickering under his eyelids, the soft light frying his eyes. Just seeing him like this made Leah want to cry. But she didn't. She stayed strong for him.

"Why are they doing this...?" He muttered weakly. 

Leah took seconds to figure her answer, carefully taking hold of his hand, letting him know who was there with him. She repeated the words of the Viceroy that had echoed through her head over the last couple of days, like an omen in the night;

"What if you had to make a deal with the devil to save the one person you cared about most in the world? Would you do it? Even if the cost was your own freedom?"

He saw flashes of every person he'd met in his life; his mother, father, grandfather, aunts, uncles, cousins, Alan. He wanted to say their names, even just one of them, to let himself go for them to come back. But then he heard his father's voice echo through his head: You need to let us go, Ryan. You need to forgive yourself and move on.

For a moment he wondered whether that was even possible. They were his family. They were his entire life - he couldn't just... just do that! But he also couldn't bring them back. Even if he wanted to, he knew that better than most that that was impossible. And nobody can turn back the clock. Nobody can heal the wounds of time. But maybe he could change the future Leah had set for herself. The hope that she seemed to abandon.

She's your friend - your last friend in the world and if you go now, then she'll be a prisoner for the rest of her life. Go and help her, Ryan.

"Yeah. Yeah I think I would." 

"But the devil'll kill you - worse than that - you'll be his." 

"He's gotta do more than enslave me to make me his." 

"You don't know what you're saying..." 

"I know exactly what I'm saying." 

There was a long moment of silence. Leah contemplated how serious he was and how serious she was. Wondering whether one day they could be happy... together. "Ryan... I'm so sorry." 

"For what?" 

"I've... I had your life in my hands and I just - I just wanted to save you!" 

"Leah-" 

"No! I... I shouldn't have done it. I should've given you the choice, or maybe just... let you go." 

"Giving me a choice wasn't an option, though, was it? I was already changing. I was going." 

"I gave you a promise. That before you changed, I'd pull the trigger, and I never did." 

"You couldn't have. We both know those guys had-" 

"At least I could've tried!" She stuttered under her protests. "O-or even done something! But they were... They were... going to do an autopsy." 

"What...?" 

"They were..." she swallowed the sickening feeling that threatened her throat. "Going to cut you. Look at your insides while you were... And then you'd die. Not by blood loss or-or even a trigger but... by autopsy. And I didn't want that for you." 

Ryan had no words. 

"I should've pulled the trigger or just stabbed with a scalpel, something! Killed you while I could, but I didn't."