Steal my Heart.

81

I lie on the bed watching the ceiling. I'm trying to recollect all the memories of the past one hour, as to store them away in the suitcases of my mind.
The way he kept whispering 'I love you's' and 'sorry's' throughout, our tangled mess of legs and limbs, how he intertwined his fingers through mine, his weight on me, the feel of his stubble on my soft skin, his grunts, little red marks on my body, the sore feeling below, his messed up hair, his fingers, his touch, how he kept asking me if it hurt, his gentleness, but mostly, the storm of passion and remorse in his beautiful, tell tale eyes.

He softly grazes his fingers across my knuckles.
"Was it good?" He asks softly.
I chuckle. Laughing in sadness is so weird. Like seeing a mirage in a dessert.

"The best experience of my life." I say. It's true. It was exhilarating, full of passion and desire and simply enthralling. It took me to a whole new world, it was a myriad of feelings. I've never experienced something ao magical before, not do I have any experience to compare it to. His look told me he wanted me. It was more out of need.

Oh wait I forgot, he's leaving.

As if reading my thoughts, he says,"Grace, I hope you know it's not because I wanted to take advantage of you before leaving-"
"I know baby." I cut him off.
"I believe I have a part of you no one else has, and you have a part of me that hardly leaves me with anything."

A lone tear touches my ear as it falls across my face.
"I love you Grace."
"I love you Alastair."

And I spent the rest of the evening curled up in his arms, listening to his heartbeats, thinking that for even a moment, everything is like it was.

•••

I wake up next morning alone on his bed. I wear my clothes and look around the house. He's nowhere to be seen. All blood rushes from my body.

The house is clean, the wardrobes are empty, there is no trace of anything here.

He left.

In the bedroom, I find a note beneath my pillow.

Dearest Grace,
The apartment has been given on rent. The new residents will be here two weeks later. Maybe they'll find traces of our love in the corners of this apartment.

I remember the first time I saw you. Never had I thought that you'll be this special to me. I don't even deserve you. You're a gem. Our first date, our first kiss, I remember everything. And I don't know if it's a good thing or bad, but I'll never even be able to forget it. I remember every little thing about you. How you love nature, how you pout a lot, how you're a midnight reader and how you hate coffee. The thing is I can't forget them however hard I try. You're the ultimate love of my life. The laughter in your voice tortures me. Reminds me of what I did. But baby, I'm hurting too. Yes, we could have a long distance relationship, but could it work? Would it work? I don't want us to drift apart. That's why I took this step. I had to go. It's my dream as well as a necessity. You can't come with me because you have your family here. I completely get it. I won't be able to live  without you. But I'll have to. That would be my punishment.

You're my weakness as well as strength, my drug as well as my drink. What's important is, babydoll, hold yourself together. You're worth a lot. Be strong and brave. Chase your dreams. Live your life. Don't let my absence lose yourself. Take risks. Laugh a lot. Try something new everyday. And when you feel all lonely and alone, look up at the moon. Because somewhere, someone is looking right at it too.

We will lose touch. We have to live without each other. That will be the true test of love. We broke up suddenly and not with very strong reasons, but if we're meant to be, we'll find our way back. Haven't we all heard, let something go, if it was yours, it will return, if not, it never was. I believe it will never go away if it was yours.

What I want to say is that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Don't ever feel like no one loves you. Words can't even begin to describe the depth of my feelings for you.

I'm leaving. But I'll never forget you. You're here in my heart.

Always.

Goodbye,
Alastair.

My legs gave away and I fell on the ground and cried my eyes out freely for the first time since this mishap.

I love you Alastair, I love you.
I always will.
Always.