All In My Head (GirlxGirls)

Apologize

The morning after prom is when I told Keisha I needed my space that some things couldn't be fixed. So I left her house, knowing that there was no way that things would be repaired. I wanted to leave her there in misery, just like the place I was trapped in for so long. I did. She thought that I'd come back to the "love" that was strong enough. That wasn't the case, I had never felt loved with her. In these nine months without Nevaeh I knew my heart was hers.
Eventually Keisha texted me, trying to talk things out. It got heated really fast, so I told her I was just gonna go:
"Wow. After all this that's all you can say."
"Yeah, I don't know what to say because lets see,
Im the worlds worst girlfriend. I never think about you and I don't put you on a pedestal.
Which is bullshit, if you can't see that then what the hell am I doing?...
Im tired of feeling degraded and like shit. I shouldn't feel like that at all.
I have done nothing but give you the best I could and that's still not enough."
"Forget it.."
"And when I speak my mind you tell me to forget it. Thats not a relationship"
"Because you make it all about you.. You never own up to anything.
You make excuses and say you're the worlds worst girlfriend.
You wouldn't be if you tried to fix the situation and talk it out instead of
making excuses. You make me look like the bad guy, or you just have to walk away. If youre going to "go"
which is your solution to everything then you might as well not come back."
"What the fuck ever. For the past three years I have done nothing but make it all about you, and to think that you dont fucking see that shows how it is. If you're not fucking happy then why the fuck are you still here? If I'm as selfish as what you say I am then why the fuck are you still here? Shouldn't I be asking the same fucking thing? You know I give you my everything even when it's something I don't want. Like that break you wanted? I've done a lot of shit that i'm not proud of. I let you make me pick between you and one of my best friends because you were insecure and didn't trust me, I let you read my damn messages! No correction I didn't let you. You took it upon yourself to read them and text people off of my phone. That was fucking selfish because what if I had lost all of my friends after that? Do you really still think I'm that selfish? I have never read your messages and texted your friends, never made you pick between me and your friends. So what the hell are you doing here if I'm so fucking selfish?"
"I never made you pick between me and your best friend and that hurt. A lot. I guess I am selfish. All I want is you Ariella. I miss you so damn much all the damn time. I'm sorry if thats me being selfish. I'm gonna go because I can't handle this and it's better for me to just break down alone. I think you'd be better off without me but I can't seem to let you go."
"So you didn't tell me that if I didn't tell Nevaeh she was dead to me you'd still be here? What the fuck ever Keisha. You know exactly what you did. I told her she was fucking dead to me!! What would you have done if I had made you pick between me and Heather or Sheila?! You did. Trust me because I was friends with her. You don't trust me at all because here I am again explaining myself to you. My mom has never been so disappointed me until I told Nevaeh she was dead to me. My own mother was crying because of what I said to her. Do you know how much that hurt me? I did it for you. You didn't care how I felt about it. You wanted her gone. Well now she's gone. She's been gone. You know its true. That's why it hurts. The truth fucking hurts and you just got slapped in the face by it."
"Please stop. I get it."
After this conversation, I never talked to her. I was satisfied. To say the least. I gave it a few week before I followed Nevaeh on twitter so I could DM her to apologize. I wasn't expecting much cause after what I said I didn't deserve her. It was long over due.
"Hey, will you kik me..?"
"I have a new kik."
I found her new kik name on the old one that was still in my contacts on kik. It took me awhile to completely gather my thoughts. I needed to make sure that no matter what happened that I wasn't going to get worked up about it.
"I just wanted to sincerely apologize for everything that I said to you. I'm not expecting forgiveness, but this was a long over due apology. I'm sorry."
"You know that I'm a really forgiving person. That hurt me yo, like that came out the cut when you said 'I'm dead to you' what made you apologize now. Not trying to be rude."
"There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that. I knew it hurt you cause it hurt me. You deserve an apology. I've finally gotten up the courage to talk to you.."
"I dont know what to say."
Honestly I wasn't expecting much. She just deserves the apology. So I gave it to her.
"I know.. I just want you back.. and I dont think I'll ever get that"
"Does Keisha know you're apologizing to me?"
"Keisha is irrelevant to me. She's not running my life anymore. She can go fuck herself."
"What happened?"
"It doesn't matter but I finally stood up for you.."
"I'll forgive you"
From there, things went like nothing had ever happened. We FaceTimed that night actually. I was extremely nervous because I hadn't seen her in so long and I hadn't talked to her. I had been lowkey flirting with her all day, I was still in love with the girl from freshman year. Nothing had changed, at all. All day she was all I could think about. All that I could talk about. For some god forsaken reason there was a big ass cheesy grin on my face.
That night came and we facetimed and I could not stop smiling or stop making her smile. I had missed that smile so much and didn't even know it. Like I legit couldn't get over the fact that her smile was everything that I had dreamed of for months. A smile so warm that it could warm the coldest heart. I always joked around and told her I was the grinch and she's what made my heart grow three sizes larger. We had made plans to take her to get her graduation outfit that weekend. The anticipation was killing me because I just wanted to see her, and hold her again.