All In My Head (GirlxGirls)

Summertime Sadness

We accept the love we think we deserve - Stephen Chbosky
The summer has just begun and I'm so excited that I'm going to Maryland. I have always wanted to stay with my biological family for awhile now but I always had this scared feeling that my father would not allow me to. Ariella and I started bonding fairly well before we got out of school, I started feeling a connection with us but I know that I will probably mess it up again. Also presenting the fact that Marcus and I are still "together", using that word lightly. I never had to pretend to be happy in my life so mucg. It started getting exhausting all these bundled up emotions. Marcus came to sit with me outside at my house for about an hour the day before I left, but conveniently I had this gut feeling that we were officially saying goodbye to one another. Still I felt kind of bad, because I started liking Ariella more than I really needed to then the bad feeling went away. It is a sad deep feeling to know that nothing was going to last and you have that gut feeling knowing what is going to happen. You prepare your heart to the point where you show no type of emotions. Dead ass you become so heartless, that you walk away. Marcus and I broke up three days after I got to Maryland because of accusations his friends made about me.
I decided to call Ariella one night just to cry, but I didn't want to. Think to myself: what the hell am I doing! When I talk to her it is like a fairy tale. No it is like I am actually a person who has emotions, a heart, and I'm something. Every time I run back to her it is like I'm breaking her heart, I know I am. We started having this really nice time talking to each other for awhile, until I get a scare of a lifetime. I missed my monthly cycle by four days and I developed this really bad sickness feeling everyday. I begin feeling scared mostly panic. Thinking of the worst possible out comes wasn't helping me at all. I really did not want to speak to anyone or ask for help. I began distancing from Ariella and my other friends. Ariella was the hardest goodbye but I believe it was time for me to say my goodbyes without saying them. I informed Ariella I needed time, but that I believed it was me trying to be sweet. I didn't need time, I have to step away before I get too caught up in what I'm dealing with.
My grandmother takes me with her on her business trip to Philadelphia. The excitement could be read all over my face when we finally arrived. Wasn't a really long train ride, sort of started to miss Ariella. The amazement of the city, began to distract me. Five days in Philly was about to be such an amazing time while it lasted.
My family started to worry about me, I stopped eating for awhile. I let everything get to me, pretending I was legit happy. Grandmother had another trip planned for me to see my sisters. I believe my grandma thought they would help me start eating. We developed a plan to help figure out what's going on with me.
Couple weeks has gone by since getting back from Philadelphia, we start packing to get to Virginia. My last trip before I get to North Carolina to face my fears. I get to Virginia; all sudden mother nature graced me with her gift. Out the blue I get this urge to text Ariella as if nothing happened. I know I'm such a complete ass. Erasing the text several times before sending it. I get my message together, as I try to delete it again it sends to Ariella. My heart drops into my stomach, it starts beating so fast I could have gotten a heart attack.