Damage

Chapter 35

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I'm walking between classes when I see that I have a missed call from Luke. Well, maybe missed isn't quite the way to put it. More like I heard my phone ringing, saw that it was Luke, and although I could have pressed 'Answer', I didn't.

It's been a little over a week since I last saw him. Up until I saw his missed call, half of me was sure he'd forgotten about me, probably nonplussed about moving on to some new girl. But half of me knows that's not true. The better part of me knows that the reason we haven't spoken is because of me.

I'm scared. Every once in a while, I get a feeling like electric volts are pulsing at the pit of my stomach. Remembering what it feels like to put my feet up in his library. Remembering what it feels like when we're kissing lazily in the kitchen late at night, the taste of his lips rolling off of mine like honey. Remembering what it feels like when his hands brush underneath my neck. Remembering what it feels like to feel dizzy and terrified and alive every second we're together.

Every time we see each other, it's at night. But when I play it back in my mind, there's sunlight pouring through each window.

In my memory, we're not late night secrets. We're a slow, delirious, delicious succession of late mornings and truth between two people.

Everything feels perfect right now but I know it won't be for long. Based on memory alone, I want to pick up every phone call. The crazy, reckless part of me wants him, needs him, like a moth flying towards a flame. But the unsure part of me reads every rumor and every article and wonders what we are and what we will be.

I "missed" Luke's call the day before yesterday. And now, two days later, he's calling again, giving me the same choice I already made before. And I still don't know.

But I stare at the glass screen and even though my mind tells me not to, I answer the phone, feeling like my lungs have been filled with air the second I hear the fuzzy, staticky noise on the other end.

"Hey, it's Luke."

I can't stop smiling like a fool, walking towards campus.

"Hey."

"It's been a while."

A long sigh. We both know why. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

The space that I almost want to fill with an "I miss you" is left silent.

He carries on, like the last time we talked was just this morning.

"How have you been?" His voice is raspy and deep, even more so over the phone.

"I've been pretty good." This feels so formal and strange. "You?"

"Um...yeah, I've been good."

"Oh, good."

"Yeah." He pauses. "So, are you free tonight?"

"Um, I think so. Why?"

"Well, okay, if you don't want to, I understand. But there's this...get-together tonight. Do you want to come?"

"A get-together."

"Yes. Well a party, more like. I'm not really sure who'll be there. But it should be relatively low-key."

"I'm surprised you're even going. People hardly see you at your own parties." I smile.

"Well, I'm only going because I'm socially obligated to."

"And Luke Hemmings is going to honor those social obligations," I say, very seriously, and he laughs.