Don't let me fall (Lesbian story)

The Break Up

-Olivia, Graham whispers.

I open my eyes. It's the middle of the night and everything is dark.

-What's wrong? I ask while sitting up in my bed.

-Nothing, he answers slowly. I just wanted to come and sleep in your bed.

I move to give him space, but the seconds he lies down next to me I know he's not here to sleep. He starts kissing my shoulders and neck.

-Graham, no, I whisper.

Her doesn't stop.

-Graham no! I say again, this time in a normal tone of voice.

-Oh come on, how long has it been since the last time we hocked up?

-I said no, I don't want to!

He gets up really fast.

-What's wrong with you? Lately it seams like you don't even love me anymore!

-Of course I love you! I answer.

-No, you don't. You love me, but you don't love me like that. Not anymore.

There's a silence between us. It's true, and he knows it, and I know it, and lying would be stupid.

-What changed? He asks in the dark.

-I'm sorry Graham...

He sights.

-Yeah, me too.

He walks out of my room and closes the door behind him. I look at the clock: 1:37 am. I know I won't be able to get back asleep.

***

It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm walking outside. The cold October wind makes a mess of my hair. The houses I walk past are already decorated for Halloween, even thought it's in two weeks. With my hands in my pocket I slowly walk back to the school. I've almost reached the front door when a voice stops me.

-Why are you up so early?

I look around but I don't see anyone.

-Up here dummy!

Alaska is sitting on the roof, a blanket around her shoulders.

-I could ask you the same question, I answer. How did you get up there?

She shows me how to climb up with the wall and I go sit next to her. The wind is even stronger on the roof and I'm shivering.

-So what are you doing out here? She asks me again after a moment.

-I broke up with Graham. You?

-I just came for the sunrise.

-That's like in an hour!

She doesn't say anything else. We both silently watch the waking of the city, the lights turning on in the houses and the cars pulling out of the driveways and the sound of city buses stopping every 20 meters. I'm so cold I feel like I'm going to turn to ice. Alaska wraps half her blanket around me. Our shoulders touch each other and I don't move away. We haven't really spoken since the last time, that famous Saturday at the rock climbing center and the gallery. Life has been so busy, with school and dance practice and preparation for the winter show and my competition. Alaska isn't really the new girl anymore. People got use to her being around and the rumours have stopped.

-What happen with Graham? She asks me.

-He said that I don't love him anymore.

-And it's true?

I nod, staring in the distance.

-We should get back inside, I say looking at my watch and getting up slowly. It's almost time for breakfast.

-Wait, she says, grabbing my hand to make me sit down. You're going to miss the best part.

-What best part?

She doesn't answer, so I sit down. Right then, a little girl with pig tails and glasses appears at the corner of the street. She skipping, her school bag on her shoulder. Behind her, a man, probably her father, is dragging a boy by the hand. The little girl stops in front of our school and waves to Alaska, who wave back. The little girl places her feet in first position and makes a plié. Alaska holds her thumb up and the little girl smile. Her father catches up with her.

-Amy, come on.

The little girl waves goodbye and starts skipping again, turning in the school parking.

-Every morning her father drops her and her brother at the daycare service before school starts, than he get's in the bus. Every morning she skips, and the father has to drag her brother who doesn't want to go to school. Every morning she stops and makes a ballet move in front of the school.

-How do you know that?

-Because I'm here every morning.

-Why?

She looks at me with her big brown eyes and that's when I realize she's still holding my hand. She gives me a small smile.

-Let's go, she says. I'm cold.

She get's up, letting go if my hand and shows me how to get down the roof. We walk threw the front door, in the warmth of the school. I stop in front of my bedroom door and she stops in front of hers. We smile at each other, a small, shy smile, and we both walk in our own bedrooms. At breakfast Graham sits in front of me and not beside me like he always does. I see our friends, Paul and Marco and Emilia, looking at each other. I guess Graham told them. Alaska sits at the other end of the table, with the twins, Flore and Camille. Every 15 seconds she looks up at me from the corner of her eye, and I look at her. In class I sit in the back like usual, and she sits in the front, and I see her head turning toward me every once in a while. She's not really looking at me, that would be too obvious, but just enough so I can see her but nobody else can. In dance class we next to each other at the barre, not looking at each other. When she's close to me, I feel all warm and flabby, and when she's far is feel all cold and empty. I want to wrap my arms around her neck and have her holding me in her arms. She dances with Graham and I see that he barely touches her, like she's a disease or something. At lunch it's the same thing, Graham in front of me, not talking to me, and Alaska looking at me from the other end of the table. Then it's class again and then personal training for me for my competition. The windows of the studio shows the garden, where, on a bench, Alaska is reading. I'm so distracted during repetition that Kate, my personal coach, stops the music and sit down on the floor in front of me. She always does that when she wants to talk to me. I sit in front of her.

-What's up? She asks. You're out of your head. What's going on up there?

-I broke up with Graham, I say, hoping it will be enough for her.

She stares at me.

-No, that's not it. There's something else.

Shit.

-Talk to me.

I look at my hands. I know that if I start talking about that I won't be able to keep a poker face and I'll probably start crying.

-Did you ever do something...and you know you should not be doing it...but somehow you can't stop...and it's wrong, and you know it's wrong, but, like, it's also right?

-It depends what "something" is.

-What if it's falling for someone you're not supposed to fall for?

-Olivia, love is never wrong. No matter who it is, if it's meant to be it can never be wrong...

I sight in relief.

-However, you got a big competition coming up. You can't go around falling in love and not concentrating. You know how it works: 110% work, all the time!

I nod. She gets back up and turn the music on and I start again, trying to push Alaska away from my mind. However, somewhere in my head, I still see two brown sparkling eyes and her stupidly beautiful smile.