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50

*eating disorder trigger warning... please read with that in mind. 

EVIE

ONE MONTH LATER

Bloated, uncomfortable, self-conscious were only a few of the things I was feeling this morning when I woke up. Of course it would be the morning of Niall's signing party that I'd feel like a complete mess. The late July heat did nothing for how I felt. Even with the two fans that were blowing towards me did nothing for the uneasiness I was feeling.

I was drinking water and tea like I was a fish, constantly hydrating myself in hopes that it would ease a bit of my uneasiness. If anything, it was only making me more bloated. The Chinese take out I had for lunch was also doing nothing for me. I felt unsettled and I couldn't explain why.

I stood in front of my washroom mirror, wearing only an old bra and underwear. It was a simple set that I had bought a year ago - black and cotton. I didn't care too much about what was going underneath my outfit for tonight. I had other things on my mind.

My stomach was bloated. I poked it and poked it, hoping that it would maybe push it away. It didn't. Instead, I had red blotchy spots from the spots I incessantly poked at. My cheeks were pale once again - a physical trait that seemed to be sticking with me. I looked odd - different. Over the past two months, my body has been fluctuating in weight and it was bothering me to no end. With soccer ending for the school year, I had been only relying on my morning runs to stay in shape.

I had found that running once a day was doing nothing for me, so instead, I decided to run once in the morning and then once at night. If anything, it was easing my stress away and that was all that I could ask for. (Especially now that my parents were going through their divorce). Life was getting tricky and I wasn't too keen on it.

That brings me to today. The day of Niall's record label signing party. I had just gotten off the phone with Niall. He sounded so excited for tonight. Going on and on about how sick the party was going to be, and how there would be an endless amount of pints (his contribution). I think that was what got him going in the first place. My drunk little Irishman...

I cringed as I lifted my dull hair from off my shoulder. It felt so frail in my hands. I needed to make an appointment to refreshen the colour. Maybe I'll go ombre... I hear that's all the rage these days. I can be with it and cool... hip as my dearest mom would say. I have to do something to not look so... blah.

Checking the time on my phone, I only had an hour and a half until Niall was set to pick me up. The party was at seven, meaning we are leaving by quarter to. That gave me an enough time to figure something out with my atrocity of an appearance. I don't know what Niall see's in me, if I was being quite honest. I'm a mess. A mess of blonde hair, pale skin, with a bloated stomach. Even my nails have been going all wonky. Time to add manicure to the list...

Over the course of an hour and a half, I was able to put a bit of life into my dull self. I kept my hair down, adding only a black headband to it. There was no point in even trying to make it look okay... God, why do I feel so gross today? Today of all days... I have to look my best. I want Niall to be proud to have me on his arm... willing to show me off to all of the big guys at Blackbird Records. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to leave me at home. I sure would...

The blue co-ord outfit was a bit loose. Opening the cupboard just above my skin, I looked behind the half empty bottles for a pin. Tucked behind a bottle of make-up remover, laid a very lonely sewing needle. Why I leave my sewing needles in the washroom was a question in itself (because I really don't know). Taking a bit of the loose fabric, I pinned them together so that it sat snugly against my hips. The top wasn't too loose. The extra fabric of my padded bra helping it out.