21 Murders | Harry Styles AU (discontinued)

XLIV. Penitence

penitence (noun):  the action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance

Harry's POV

My hair drips into my face, the water from the shower not yet evaporated into the air and leaving my shabby look to drench my shoulders and neck. Bringing a towel to my head, I ruffle the knotty hair and push it back with my fingers.

The elastic I used this morning was the same one Noelle left on the sink counter back in Albany the morning everything fell apart. The day embarked the beginning of a very long journey that in the end, worked as our mending glue.

El's shrink has been calling me non-stop for the past few days, but she made it clear that she didn't want to meet with that lady again, so I wasn't going to let the doctor call and bitch at her to do something she doesn't want to. I ignore the call and toss my cell phone to the bed, seeing a blinking light under the cover next to my own device.

My hand reaches under the thick comforter and pulls out Noelle's phone. She must've dropped it while making the bed and never noticed. I smile at the thought; she's so forgetful of the smallest things but sometimes I blame myself for that because I fill her head with my own worries.

I have no fucking clue how I am supposed to fix shit with Internal Affairs, but that shouldn't be weighing on her shoulders. Yeah what she did was incredibly idiotic, but her intensions were what makes my anger diminish. Behind her reasoning was the showcased love she has for me and I am flattered to know she'd go to such a large- and dangerous- extent.

The unknown number texting her buzzes in my hand again and I type in her passcode, staring at the screen. It could be her mother or brother like she mentioned before. The thought of them getting in touch pleases and disturbs me. I don't want her hurting herself further. She's so naïve sometimes and believes too deeply in people, that makes for easy prey to others who take and take until the giving is gone.

My mind is telling me it isn't right to invade her privacy- the little amount she does have- while my heart is kicking my instincts into full drive. Even though she might claim she doesn't need protecting, I know deep down she is just too stubborn to admit it. Protecting her is my main job and not just because that is actually my job, but because I love her more than I have ever loved anyone else.

Noelle busted through the broken glass windows guarding and protecting my heart and repaired the outside with her own strength and love. It is difficult to explain, but without her I don't feel whole or purposeful. My days are made when I can hear her laugh at my shitty jokes or smile when I use my vulgar remarks against her. And most importantly, she made my nightmares go away. The long nights spent in purposeful insomnia because I didn't want to see my mother being killed right before my eyes are now nowhere in sight.

She mended me unknowingly and took every aspect I thought I understood to a new level. Before her, I hadn't even considered a long-term relationship. I respected women and knew my boundaries, but I never cared for them. I used their bodies, truthfully, and then went to bars and drank off the feelings of loneliness that only I seemed to understand. Klara was a some-what sturdy support to my collapsing building, but El was the concrete base that saved me in the end.

I might forgive her too easily and she might not have the reasons she claims to be as pissed off at me as she wants, but the love we share for each other overpowers any of that petty shit. I can feel it in the way her fingertips touch my skin, the way she absorbs every word I speak and intently listens. The way she gave herself to me without even doubting the idea.

That meant more to me than anyone will ever know. To know that the only girl I love and care about is comfortable enough with me to give something so intimate and delicate away, changes how I feel completely and multiplies it by ten. We've come so far through so much, it'd be a waste to call it now when the going gets hard.