Laughter Lines

4.10 | magnet

magnet

as told by char

I told you the details after a few hours of laying in your bed that morning. I told you why I was crying on my way back to my house and what I said when my father approached me after I got home. I told you what he did to me and how I ran out into the woods and hid there for hours. You just sat there in silence, with tears in your eyes, holding me tight like you had all night.

"I'm sorry," you whispered to me.

"Don't be," I replied, shaking my head. "It's just life."

"No," you said. "No, I'm not sorry that it happened to you. I mean, I am, but... I'm sorry for something else. I'm sorry I didn't do anything about it. I knew they treated you badly. I knew you weren't safe there. I'm sorry I didn't do my job.  I'm supposed to protect you, Charlotte..."

I watched you as your lip quivered and you shut your eyes tight. My heart ached more than it did before.  You didn't deserve to feel this way. You didn't need to worry about me like this. I'd never seen you cry before this whole thing happened, and suddenly I felt my self-worth plummet.

"Stop," I said. But you didn't stop. Sorrow was swallowing you just as badly as it was swallowing me.

I was hurting the one person that I wanted to be the happiest. 

"Stop!" I repeated, wiping away at your tears more roughly than I should have. 

I bit my lip and slid off the bed, pressing my back against its frame and bringing my legs up to my chin. I buried my face in my knees, holding onto my calves like if I let go, I would disintegrate. 

I hated myself. I hated myself so, so much, Everest.  I couldn't even put into words how much I despised every inch of my being. I told myself that I shouldn't have got involved with you. I knew I was going to hurt you. I knew something like this was going to happen, because nothing ever went my way. I was a magnet to the demons, and I was pulling you down with me.