Laughter Lines

4.2 | i couldn't breathe

i couldn't breathe

as told by char

Did you ever have moments where the tiniest, seemingly unimportant things sent you into a black hole of sorrow, Everest Logan? Because to me, it seemed like it happened regularly. Sitting in your car with you like that, feeling like I was on the top of the world screaming in triumph but drowning in the bottom of the ocean at the same, I felt like my brain was going to burst.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't let you comfort me. No. That would only make it worse.

That's why I didn't let you come after me, Everest. That's why I couldn't look at you and that's why I walked to my front door alone without kissing you goodbye.

As I look back at it, I wish I did. Because the moment I stepped through the door, I needed you more than the Earth needed the Sun. I felt like I was going to disintegrate or melt or explode.

"Charlotte?" It was my father, and his voice wasn't serene. He sounded... angry. Angry? Was he actually expressing feelings to me?

I didn't say anything. Even if I had tried, I don't think anything would come out.

He came around the corner, his eyebrow furrowed and his hands balled into fists.

Angry.

"Where the hell have you been?" he screeched.

I couldn't comprehend what was happening. He'd never bothered to ask me where I was. He had never been concerned about me.

"I was at Everest's house," I muttered, staring at the floor, shaking my head. "Why do you care?"

"Why do I care? Because if something happens to you, I'll be in so much trouble. I don't have time for that, and you know it," he growled.

This felt like a slap in the face. He didn't care about me. He cared about himself, Everest Logan. If something happened to me, he'd be concerned about what happened to himself.

"I hate you," I whispered.

"What?" he screamed from behind clenched teeth. "What did you say?"

"I said I hate you!" I sobbed, kicking the door behind me with as much strength as I could muster. "You don't care about me! I'm your own daughter and you don't give a single shit about me! You barely even talk to me, let alone take care of me like a father should! You don't even know me. If I asked you a simple question about me, you wouldn't know the answer. I've been living like I'm suffocating for years and you haven't even noticed. You wouldn't care if I died. You know, I bet you'd prefer if I did! Because you're the worst father anyone could ask for, and I hate you! I hate you, dad..."

I fell apart like a puzzle. Every part of me crumbled. My legs couldn't support me and I collapsed. I I wanted to die, Everest. I would have done anything to end my life in that moment.

I hoped that he would calm down, like in the movies. I hoped he would sigh and sit down next to me and hold me in his arms and stroke my hair as I cried. I hoped he would kiss my forehead and apologize and tell me how much he loved me.

But he didn't.

He grabbed me by the throat and he threw me against the wall.

And I screamed and clawed at him and prayed to God that it could just be over.

I couldn't breathe.

Eventually I kicked him just right and he dropped me. I didn't hesitate to run out the door and into the dark, sprinting as fast as I could into the woods despite the fact that my legs were numb and my lungs were airless and tears were blurring my vision so badly that I couldn't see anything in front of me.

I couldn't breathe. And I barely minded it.