Salvage: Book 3 of the Magic Mutations Series

46: Lukas

June, 2019

"You'll let me..." she started to repeat, but then trailed off.

So I filled the silence for us by trying to ease her doubts on the issue. "It's okay. Really. I understand and I won't resent you for it. Not that I can do much resenting when I'm gone." I added the last comment slightly under my breath, which I wasn't sure she caught.

Especially when she replied with, "You understand?"

"Yes. I do." Because he was everything to you. And our relationship messed everything up, I thought, but decided to not add. Because discussing our past hadn't gone well before.

But then she snarled, "Well, I'm glad you understand. Because I don't."

I stepped away, slightly taken aback by her sudden anger.

Though before I could ask why, she was already snapping at me, "How dare you."

"How dare I?" Now it was my turn to be the parrot, repeating her words. "Why on earth are you mad at me when I'm only trying to help—"

"How is this helping?" she threw at me. Then, as if her revulsion wasn't obvious enough, she pressed an electrified hand on my chest and shoved me. "How is leaving me helping? How would losing you ever help me?"

My brows knotted together as I tried to read her. But I hit a wall. The paths that seemed to justify her reaction were not ones possible to us, but the routes that were possible did not warrant her vehemence. "Don't you want Ben back?" I finally asked, at a loss without her explanation.

Her eyes welled with tears, and I expected her to nod, or to dodge the topic to avoid upsetting me. But then she said, "Not if it means sacrificing you."

Heaving a sigh, I stated, "It's okay, Olivia. I'm completely okay with—"

"But I'm not. I've lost Ben before, and yes it hurt. But eventually I got over it. Though when I lost you..." She shook her head. "And you didn't even die. We just stopped talking. I don't want to imagine the pain of living in a world that you don't exist in. I can't. I will never, ever, sacrifice you just to bring Ben back."

My mind was struggling to accept her words, her admission of care for me. Which was why I tried to fish for any inkling of a wavering mindset from her by probing with, "You'll get over it though. Just like you got over Ben—"

"Lukas, I'm still not over having lost you."

"... but I'm still here. And we're friends again."

Though she was already shaking her head at me. "But we lost so much more when I walked away. When I stupidly picked Ben over you."

I had longed to hear her words of regret. However, hearing them now terrified me. Because what came after these confessions of mistakes? How might she end up tearing me apart again after caressing me with careless consolation? "You chose to grieve someone who deserved to be grieved," I reminded her, deciding not to fully repeat her words back then, even if they were playing on repeat in my mind.

"I chose wrong."

"Olivia..." Yet I had nothing else to say. Nothing to plead or offer to make her stop, hopelessly giving in to her whispers of woe.

So she went on. "I can't believe you're even telling me to sacrifice you. It's as if you haven't listened to a word I said over the past few days when I poured my heart out about how much I've regretted what I did back then. So let me repeat it to you until you believe me, Lukas. I'm so sorry I left. I'm so sorry I picked Ben over you. I'm so sorry I forgot us."

She was taking steps closer as she spoke, and I stood frozen, entranced by her glossy green gaze.

"If I could do it all again, I'd have never asked you to take my memories... even if I don't know why I made that choice yet. And had it happened anyway, I wished I found a way to avoid Ben or didn't bond with him or... or at least found my way back to you instead of running away after he died."

She shook her head.

"I will always choose you from hereon. I will never put someone before you again. Even if it means Ben must stay dead. Especially if it means he must... I only wanted to bring him back because he was a good person who didn't deserve to die. Not because I still love him or whatever. I... When Circe told me what it would take, I immediately terminated the idea of bringing him back. I cannot live in a world without you."

I was quiet for a moment as I watched a tear escape her eyes as she blinked the sting away. Unable to stop myself, I caught it before it dropped off her face. Then, after an immeasurable amount of time passed with me losing myself in her unavoidable vulnerability, I finally whispered, "But why?"

Her eyes softened, though it almost seemed like she had anticipated this question. Or had been waiting for me to ask it. Especially when she breathed what sounded like a rehearsed response of, "I know you're going to tell me it's impossible, but my heart still moves for only you."

Just as she had predicted, I squeaked back, "That's impossible."

She shrugged. "Yet here we are."

"Perhaps you're mistaking your feelings."

A chuckle escaped her before she shook her head and glanced up with me with a gaze that gleamed with affection. "I spent too long telling myself the same thing. So long that it broke our bond. And so long burying myself in other people just to forget you, to distract myself from how much I still desired you. Then one look at you when I came back and I was infatuated again, Lukas. Like a moth to a flame."

"Why am I a flame?"

Her eyes flickered, the vulnerability closing up as she seemed to erect a wall between us. "Because I know these feelings are only going to burn me."

My brows furrowed in confusion.

Though before I could question her, she explained, "I guess, because you wiped my memory of when we had the bond, something must have messed up when it broke, and that's why I'm the only one left with feelings."

She thinks it's unrequited? How could she not see—

She took a step back. "But please don't feel like I'm going to let that impede our friendship. I can't deny I won't get jealous the next time you meet someone, but I'll do my best to support and root for the success of your next relationship, Lukas. I won't get in the way."

As she continued to ramble, my mind raced with realisations. She likes me back. We still have feelings for each other despite our broken bond... But I've been so hostile she doesn't realise I like her too. I should correct her, right? I should tell her she's not alone. I should—

"Anyway..." she had finally trailed off, looking everywhere but me. "How about we get that lunch now?"

Instead of seizing the opportunity to confess, I bit my tongue. Because what was the point in us liking each other again? It's not like she said she wanted a relationship with me. She was even ready to encourage me to fall for someone else... Perhaps, despite her feelings for me, she didn't want to start something with me again after how everything ended last time. She probably still blamed me.

With those thoughts circulating in my mind, I followed her without a word, letting the chance to confess slip through my fingers.