Quiet Sorrow and Secret Nightmares

Forgiveness

The next day

Will quietly let himself into the apartment incase Jay was asleep. Not finding him on the couch, he felt a trickle of panic shoot up his spine when he didn't find him in his bedroom or the bathroom either.

What the hell?

Pacing around the apartment, he whipped out his phone and called Hailey, "Hey...you hear from Jay? Is he there? He's not in his apart..."

There was no need to finish the thought when he caught sight of the note on the counter.

Went to Mom's. Won't be gone long. I'll text you when I'm on my way back

"Hailey..."

She could hear the sadness in Will's tone, "Will? What's going on?"

"Jay's gone but he left a note. He went to the cemetery to see our Mom."

She sighed and the whole of Intelligence heard it wondering what was going on.

Her eyes met Voight's asking permission just in case she needed to leave, "Do you want me to go get him?"

"No... thanks though. I'm off. I'm going to drive over and make sure he's okay. I'll give him a couple of hours and see if he wants a ride back."

X

She'd barely hung up the call when the question rang out.

"Hailey?

"Will was worried. Jay wasn't at home..."

She saw the windup of fear in them but nipped it in the bud, unwittingly replacing it with sadness.

"He went to see his mom."

XXXXXXX

He'd been sitting there for a while, staring at his mom's name and holding the list of the things she wanted for her funeral...the list she had to write herself. It was a bit tattered; the left edge had lost all of the pieces from when it was torn from the notebook, there were smudges here and there and it was full of creases, but none of that mattered. Without looking, he gently unfolded the list and flipped it over.

Sunshine,

She always called him Sunshine. In his memories he could still hear her say it. He closed his eyes and heard the whisper of it that last time, 'my sunshine...' he didn't know it would be the last time.

He ran his finger over the page. More than what was in it, was the fact his mom wrote it, her handwriting so personal to her. It was a page she held while writing him, while her thoughts were on him and only him.

Except for the last paragraph, he couldn't read the words right then, they...he couldn't read them but knew them, so instead he focused on the loops of her shaky cursive and the unique way she wrote her 'G's. Flicking his eyes over the page, he found them all.

He touched the heart with the googly eyes and big smile at the bottom of the page, then, taking a deep breath, he read the last paragraph and let the tears flow.

'My Sunshine, there aren't enough words in the dictionary to tell you how much I love you. God gave me a precious gift when he allowed me to be your mom. Please remember how proud and how grateful I am to have you as my son. Carry that in your heart, it will never change. You will always be my sunshine!

Love always, Mom'

XXXXXXX

Jay sat in a corner booth at their favorite dive bar waiting for Hailey. He chose the bar for their thing because it felt easier. He needed a noisy background as a buffer to the emotions that came with the words. The sound eliminated the daunting quiet that sometimes came when they drank at their apartments, the quiet that fell when it was too hard to find the right words for the pain.

He looked at his watch. He had five hours and 32 minutes left of July and even though the shanks of individual anniversary's were over, the stench of the month would linger for awhile. The shame of the 29th still clung to him and would for the foreseeable future, but like every other year he carried the letter from his Mom and would continue to do so until he felt anchored to her forgiveness.

He hadn't intended to talk to Hailey that night. He felt like shit and was still bruised as hell, but as he sat on his couch that afternoon staring at nothing, he had realized, like hit up along side the head, realized, he couldn't do it again. For the last 15 years he had gone through July with a desperate need to cut it from the calendar all together, but July would always be the seventh month and the shit that happened to him would always mark certain days. He needed to stop letting that shit poke him til he bled, then go through the pain of it alone like it was some sort of punishment.

His mom used to say something like, 'talk about the sorrow so you can eventually get to the joy.' He wanted to do that for his mom...and for himself.

He could feel the weight of the letter from his mom in his pocket; the heaviness of why he needed to carry it with him at this time of year - the shame of July 29th, and the lightness of her perpetual forgiveness in the words. He wanted to make her proud and knew talking to Hailey would do that.

X

They had been sitting in the bar for an hour, both on their second beer when Jay finally bit the bullet, something he should have done over a month ago.

"Did I ever tell you the reason I became a Ranger?"

She shook her head, "Mm mmm."

He took a breath, blinked the glassiness from his eyes and gave Hailey a sad smile.

"When I was little, my best friend was this kid named Andrew Jostad..."

...it started with Andrew.

The End.

Thanks for reading. Stay safe peeps!